Hope: What it Means to be Kingdom People

"There is Always Hope"-- an image by an anonymous British street artist known as Banksy

I am so uninspired today.

Crazy, that, after my last post was just telling of such jubilant things.

Today I have short thoughts followed by heavy full-stops. 

Like this. 

And mostly I just feel really lonely
(...a little perusing the registry to find a gift for another friend's wedding will do that to you... The biggest emotional struggle, which gives rise to every other practical struggle in my life right now-- you might as well just know-- is trying to understand why my amazing, handsome, scrumptious, man-of-God boyfriend who loves me and is planning on a future with me has yet to give me a bit of security and put a ring on it... Eep-- the months apart grow hardhardhardhard!)

But soon I'll be meeting up with some people from my church plant so we can walk around the part of the city where we are planting the church and pray over the steps we take-- pray for the tall buildings of flats housing people from all over the world and every kind of walk of life; pray for His kingdom to come, and that He would use us to bring it right into this neighbourhood in the meantime. After all, we are kingdom people.

How easy it is to forget.

So setting my fingers to these keys right this moment is a cry for His help to remind me what that means (let's see what He does!)...

I woke up thinking of Psalm 143 today. The line where it says, "Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You" (v.8a). But trusting Him does not come naturally, and sometimes choosing to is harder than it is at other times. I got a text from a friend last night out of the blue recommending I read Colossians 3:1-17. I put it off til just this minute, because... well, I don't know why (you know the feeling)... but from the first few lines under my eyes right now sitting here in this coffee shop on this rainy afternoon, I see His purpose in pointing it out to me today (Seriously... I can't get over how awesome He is to speak in a pitch that I can hear!). 

"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ" (v. 1)-- Not "since you will be", but "since you have been"! New life with Christ is my present reality-- every day! Every morning it is the deepest truth I can wake up knowing. I belong to Christ's kingdom. This earth is not my home. Is it any wonder I feel so constantly homesick for another world? "...set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honour and power" (v.1) -- This is what it means to be kingdom people, isn't it? Balancing on the edge of the concept of His Kingdom being now and the not yet? Within us by the Holy Spirit when we accept that we are sinners in need of Christ's gift of grace, and yet still to come when He returns to wipe out the enemy completely, and make all things new, make all things as they should be-- on earth as it is in heaven. We must actively "set" our sights on the reality of that Kingdom coming, and the reality of the bit of it we carry within us already. "Let heaven fill your thoughts" (v.2)-- This makes the discipline of setting our sights on the reality of what it means to be His sound so easy. I find I have to fight hard to choose to hope this way. But I want to, I want to, I want to.

I want to choose to hope. I want to choose to let heaven fill my thoughts, to paint with rosy colour all the thoughts of grey which threaten to take up all the space in my head. And the beautiful thing is... I can. I have been raised to new life with Christ. It's already done. Complete. My ransom paid in full. I am already a citizen of this Kingdom which is coming. I carry a bit of it with me to sprinkle rosy-coloured hope wherever the dreary grey seems to fill the space.

That's what the church plant is about in Brunnsbo. And that's what He's about in me.

Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning indeed, Lord, for I am choosing to trust in You. And to hold out Your hope everywhere it's needed... so, everywhere.

Wanna join? Pray for the work of our church plant Brunnen in Brunnsbo. Pray for His Kingdom work in Sweden. Pray for His Kingdom work in Europe. Pray for His Kingdom work across the world. And pray that the worldwide church can be strengthened to remember what it means to be Kingdom people, so our lives can't help but reflect it...

Overcoming...

"And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony..."
-- Revelation 12:11

So... I have a little testimony that won't stay unshared. The thing is, I hardly know where to begin. The story has been rolling out for years now. So I'll begin on a sunny day last week when I found myself hiking up one of the neighbourhood mountains on a lunch break, fleeing the studio so I wouldn't just be sat at my desk crying away for the other girls to see.

A perch similar to mine on the rocky mountain top

The Lord has been teaching me a great deal about His love lately. He has been reminding me of His heart for me at every turn-- especially since He gave me a lovely new accountability partner through my church plant who shares a similar passion to mine for Him. We have been holding one another accountable to stay in His Word on a daily basis and also chisel out time in our days to just bask in His presence. These feel like very simple things in the Christian life, and it's not as if I haven't been doing them for years. But lately it's been different. Lately He's just felt so much... nearer than He's seemed for a good long while. I've been excited about things I haven't felt so moved by in awhile. I think I've been learning to trust Him again after what's effectively been kinda a long hard break in trust while dealing with the spiritual abuse issues of ministry-work past.

The tears this particular day had less to do with those issues and more to do with present day ones. But regardless, He drew me up to that mountain top to sit by myself on a rock and overlook the neighbourhood, away from everything but Him. And I begged Him to speak into this present-day issue. I begged Him to speak up so I could recognize His words apart from all the tumultuous thoughts in my mind. I needed direction for something and I needed it now or I was going to go crazy with heartache. I listened to the wind screaming around the trees up there at the top of the mountain. I remembered the story of Elijah and the still small voice. And I waited expectantly. I must admit, I was kinda disappointed when I felt Him speaking through my logic (I wanted something a little more sensational!) to say, "I've already said it all in that book (the Bible) you've got in your bag."


But, as I said, I was feeling pretty desperate, so I didn't hesitate long. I cracked open my bible and, even while knowing the pitfalls of such a practice, I let it fall open where it might and read the words on the page. It was Psalm 143, and as I sat all alone on the sunny mountain top, I read the words aloud to God, letting every emotion I felt pour into their rhythm from my tear-stained lips. King David had written this Psalm with dramatic abandon. "My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave" (v. 3). [I don't know if you're the same, but most of the time when I read of "my enemies" in the bible, I don't think of a human enemy, but of the spiritual one-- satan. Even when there are certain people standing against me in one way or another, I know that he is ultimately the one trying to stir up trouble, and they are just people, like me, needing compassion, mercy, and grace. A powerful line from my bible study that morning kept coming to mind as I cried that day on the mountain, "Your feelings of hopelessness and helplessness come straight from the enemy. They are lies!" and as I read of the enemy in this Psalm, I thought of these lies I was believing...]  "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear" (v. 4). "I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain" (v. 6). "Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die" (v. 7). " It felt a bit bold to read out loud in a public place. But as I did, all the pent-up frustrations fell out of my mouth. All the painful feelings I was trying to tell myself not to feel, poured out into the words of the Psalm, and into the ears of God.

And the truths of His faithful character leapt from my mouth to my ears and dropped into my heart. "Hear my prayer, O Lord. Listen to my plea, because You are faithful and righteous" (v. 1). "May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward..." (v. 10). "Because of Your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress" (v. 11). "In Your unfailing love, silence all my enemies [like my own doubts and unbelief in your love and goodness!]" (v. 12). And the reminder of His unchanging character of love wrapped me up and stilled my anxious and unbelieving heart.

And it was cleansing. And it was humbling. And it was freeing. And He was there. And it was enough.

I walked down from the mountain feeling satiated. Like I'd received my daily bread. And also feeling changed. As if I had surrendered something to Him which I had been carrying around, and trustingly took His hand instead.


And it's all felt a bit differently since then. But that conversation on the mountaintop wasn't over yet...

Come Sunday I visited an old church I used to be a part of because it had been awhile since I had seen friends there. There was a visiting preacher giving the sermon. I had met him a few times but I don't know him and he doesn't know me. He doesn't even know that I am not at that church every Sunday, and in fact go months without visiting for the Sunday service. And in the middle of speaking to the entire church that day, he stopped, approached a man in the front row, and began praying for him a sort of prayer of prophecy. I remembered a time years ago when this particular pastor had given the sermon at this church and at the end, he had come around to every single person in the church that day and prayed over them in this way. And, in my shyness, I thought, "Oh please don't do it again!" simply because having all that attention brought on me as he went around one-by-one is uncomfortable. Ooh, the spotlight is not my favourite thing. But after praying for that one man, he went back to the pulpit and continued preaching! So the rest of us were off the hook. Hehe :) 

But then, as he was preaching, he again stopped, and came into the rows of chairs and, of course, out of everyone there, he laid a hand on MY shoulder. He called me by name, when I wouldn't have guessed he even knew my name. And He began to pray over me things He said God wanted to say to me. Things like, "I see you and I love you. I hear you when you call on me (and I thought of my asking Him to speak to me on the mountain top!). I see your heart desiring to bring an awareness of my presence and my beauty wherever you go (this guy does not know me. He has not heard my prayers for that very thing, especially as I function most often in an Atheist environment...) I know you have had some experiences which have coloured the way you see me (the experiences precipitating in spiritual abuse counseling have been more traumatic and the effects more long-lasting than I could have imagined), but I want you to know that I am the same God that I was before that. I do not change, though your experiences change. I am the same God. I want you to be released from these experiences so I can do new things." The pastor laid his hand on my head then and said, "I release you in Jesus' name from whatever experiences are holding you back" (again, this guy doesn't know me, and knows nothing about how broken I have felt these past few years. Nor could he have known how it has felt like even with so much growth, and the counseling, and the working though the issues, how it has just remained so heavy. Or how many times I have asked God in frustration to just take it all away now! It's been long enough! Why should it still be there bothering me, hindering the way I trust Him, hindering the way I hope, and so hindering the way I share the hope of Jesus with the hopeless world around me?).  And I am about to do a new thing in your life. Watch as I do new things. Because I love you. And you can trust me to be the same yesterday, today, and forever." 

And then he went back to the front of the church and continued with his sermon. Just like that. And I couldn't rationalize away the truth that the Holy God of the universe was speaking directly to little old me in those moments. He set it up just so. The "coincidence" of attending the same church as this near stranger on that "random" Sunday. The way he only had such prayers for 2 of us out of the whole congregation, as if God just pointed right to me and said to this servant of His visiting to preach that day, "That one. I want to encourage that one today. She asked on the mountain to hear from Me a way which is a little bit out of the ordinary. There are some things I want her to be reassured about."

And I don't know why He would do that that Sunday and not the few days before on the mountain. Or any number of other times throughout my walk with Him, for that matter! I am someone who needs so so much constant reassurance, and He knows it! I ask for a lot... and so often feel like I receive little... But
He is always always always working on teaching me to trust Him more fully. And I can trust Him to move toward me in the best best way and in the best best timing. Because He IS faithful. Because He IS good. Because His love is REAL. His grace is impartial to anyone who will believe, and deeper and more powerful than we can imagine.

And I had to just share the testimony of this because maybe someone reading this needs reassurance, like I do, that He is listening; that He is Who He says He is; that His love is what He says it is; that He really does want to INTERACT with us on a personal basis; that it's about walking WITH Him, not for Him. I think He did something in me on the mountaintop last week to revitalize my faith, to reawaken my hope in Him, and to restore pieces of me that have been broken for awhile. And then on Sunday, He just threw a little extra encouragement on it because He's sweet like that :) (...and because He likes to floor me with delight and awe!!)

I cannot not share of this gracious God and all the hope He offers us in this place of hopelessness. Maybe you also need to be told point-blank: "Your feelings of hopelessness and helplessness come straight from the enemy. They are lies." Don't believe them! If you're needing a reminder of this hope He's given us, let's pray that He'll give it to you, and that your eyes and ears will be open to how He might do that in your life. Seek Him out! He still speaks. I believe He is crazy about you and wants to tell you so. Give Him every opportunity to do so by being tuned in to His Spirit, drinking deeply of His Word daily, humbly confessing and repenting of sins as He convicts, and watch Him do new things in you. Watch Him fill you up in ways you never saw coming. 


Oh, how do we ever do life without as much of Him as we can possibly hold?!

"Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You.
Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You...
Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing."
-- Psalm 143:8 & 10

Happy Birthday to my Big Sis!

So...

My big sis and I - June 2011

Yesterday it was my one and only big sister's birthday (yes, I know, I should have had this written then-- oops!) and each year of our sisterhood I find myself just more and more thankful that she had one of those (a day of birth) in our family however many years ago (because as we're grown up now, it's becoming time to stop telling how old one is turning!)...

I don't know if any of you have a big sister, but if you do, you probably know that it can be quite an interesting journey growing up together. You can be night-and-day different in temperament and personality, like my sister and I, and yet not only forced to do everything together (including bathe, inhabit the small space between 4 walls, share all your dolls and barbies, wear one anothers' clothes, even share babysitting clients, and friends, and sometimes, crushes!) simply because your genetics made you two "the girls" in a family of 3 brothers, but you can also grow up being mistaken for one another (And that doesn't even have to change when you grow up and take on different styles-- I have literally gotten away with just pretending to BE her when her neighbour came to the door once a few years ago in The Cities because it was easier than explaining...!).

Your big sister might use her 3-years-older status to tell you exactly what's what (as in, "I'm the boss; I'm older!"), or to introduce you to the facts of life (even if those "facts" are slightly skewed when coming from playground-sources...) and bras and the "truth" about boys, or to force you to perform various acts of entertainment for parents' friends (which would come back to haunt you in the years to come), including the ever-popular "butt dance" to an old cassette of The Hippy Hippy Shake. Yeah... Your big sister may have been like mine and had a thing for purple growing up, which meant all of her clothes, coats, dresses, etc were some shade of purple-- which in turn meant soon all YOUR clothes, coats, dresses, etc were some shade of purple thanks to the blessed practice of hand-me-downs (I don't think I own a single purple thing anymore-- but when I was looking for a scarf for Hannah this winter, I got one in a shade of purple :))

Anxiously awaiting my first niece -- 2005

I'm not going to go into the truly embarrassing stuff here (and ooooh, you're missing out, because there is a lot of it!!). After all, it has just been her birthday and the aim of this little post is really to celebrate my big sis who is every year less and less just my big sister and more and more my true friend. Perhaps the years of feeling a bit bullied and all the rashly spoken "I hate you!'s" have been made up for by getting to experience up close and personal some sides of my sister's life that I'm still waiting for in my own-- like being her maid-of-honour at 16 (and single-handedly crafting 425 wedding favours in the weeks leading up to November 16th!) and being the first one called into the hospital room after a long arduous labour to get little Abigial Cathryn here when I was 18 (and experiencing aunthood has been one of the most tremendous blessings of my life to date-- I have THE BEST nieces and nephews in the entire world and I don't mind saying so!!!). My sister still gives me an honoured place in her life and in her family and I still haven't quite figured out how we went from warring little kids to deep friends of the heart. But I am so thankful.

Mom, Hannah, and I being matchy-matchy for Easter 1987

Sisters! - June 2011

I love you, big sis! I am so thankful that God knows what He's doing and that we've grown up and now when we talk, we can truly hear one another :) I'm so thankful that we can spur one another on in seeking His heart, and loving Him and loving others. I am so thankful we can count on one another to pray. And that riotous laughter is never far behind the sometimes-tears :) I looked up to you as a little kid growing up, and I look up to you now and so admire your dedication to your adorable kids and your wonderful husband and your incredible proficiency at your job of raising your family well! I am just so thankful for you (and for my ability to school you without fail in Jeopardy on the Wii. Oh yeah!).

Happy birthday, Hannah!

A P.S. on Galatians

I had to giggle when I opened my bible today to my last chapter in Galatians and read:

"Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.  Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ"(Galatians 6:1-2). 

Yesterday I had written: The Spirit in me (and the moral of the story in Galatians) was saying that the law and grace could both be met by simply sharing each other's burdens (New Excitement, Old Concepts). hehe!


And, since I'm here, just a little bit more hope for you from reading Galatians--

"Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up" (vv. 7-9)

Don't give up, friends. The road can feel so long, but I'll share your burdens; you can share mine. Let's hold one another up as we walk it...

And go read Galatians!! :)

***

 “Christianity, if false, is of no importance & if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”
– C.S. Lewis

New Excitement, Old Concepts...

Grace IS Amazing!

"But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love."
-- Galatians 5:5-6

I was reading Galatians this morning for the first time in a long while and it kind of feels brand new...

I'm back in Sweden and I've unpacked my "proper" bible for the first time since December 2010! I have been in a constant state of travel, it seems, since then, and so have just been using my mini travel one. I can't tell you how good it feels to sit down in the morning with a cup of coffee (which I'm sweetening with honey and cinnamon now after reading about the health benefits-- and it's yummy!) under the window of my friend's house where I'm staying for awhile in Sweden, and cracking open the weighty leather-bound book and gold-gilded pages (So... I'm a little bit easy to please and find my whole mood improves around beauty, even if that be a beautiful thing like a pretty bible!)

Since returning to Sweden and my beloved church plant Brunnen, I have been hooked up with a new accountability partner. She's new in town, a lovely Swedish girl with a heart for world missions and a living love for Jesus. We've only been able to manage one meeting so far, but we clicked over our downtown coffee date and have been working out way through 2 Corinthians and Galatians to meet and discuss this week. And you know how we're always told the bible is the LIVING Word of God? Goodness, I love that it's true...

I've been dwelling on the difference between living under the law and living under grace. After some heavy time spent in some spiritually abusive climates, this concept has become a confusing one to me. I found myself being catapulted from an atmosphere where the law was maybe treated too legalistically ("For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God's grace." -- Gal 5:4), to an atmosphere where freedom was being abused ("For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature." -- Gal 5:13) and those who were genuinely confused by what was happening, and wanting to lovingly ask for clarification and walk the narrow road together, were being told they were living by the law and being judgmental.

Paul instructs neither of those sides and yet both of those sides: "Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another." -- Gal 5:13-15)

The Spirit in me (and the moral of the story in Galatians) was saying that the law and grace could both be met by simply sharing each others' burdens-- being open to accountability and willing to listen to one anothers' hearts. We are human and we are hopelessly flawed, and yet God, knowing exactly what we would struggle with, chose to adopt us as His own and cover us with the righteousness of His Son ("But when the right time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent Him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law so that He could adopt us as His very own children. And because we are His children, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, 'Abba, Father.' Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir." -- Gal 4:4-7). How much more should we then accept one another, worts and all? But constantly reminding one another of our new status as His children, and reminding one another how then to live... Not as slaves (to the law), but as heirs (rejecting the ways of our old status pre-adoption).

"But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love."
-- Galatians 5:5-6

It struck me anew how we are clothed in righteousness. We are not righteous in ourselves (hence our tendency to abuse our freedom by sliding into acting out sinful desires), nor can we earn it (by religious rituals-- Paul talks about being circumcised or uncircumcised-- or living perfectly sinless lives), but as His adopted children, we are covered in His righteousness-- the pressure's off! We don't have to be a certain way, one way or the other! It is our inheritance. And though we live earthly lives now where it can be so hard to see and therefore so hard to live out, we must trust it's true by faith. And during this blink-of-an-eye existence on earth (which most of the time feels SO LONG), "what is important is faith expressing itself in love" (vv. 6)

So let's love on, love on, love on, and toe the balance of fulfilling the law by living in grace by faith...

Whew. Am I a total dork to get so excited about this old concept again? Grace IS truly amazing, and I desperately needed the hope of this reminder. How about you?

An Excerpt by Oswald Chambers

I have a soft spot for Oswald Chambers (Or am I just a sucker for a good ol' godly British man when I see one!?). Anything I have ever picked up by him has pierced right to the heart of whatever season I've been tramping through at the time... While home, I often root through my mom's book shelves and this time I fell upon a little gem by Chambers called, quite simply, "The Love of God". Using Jude 1:21, Chambers expounds on my God's love in a way that challenges me to be "driven further and further out into the ocean fullness of the love of God", and I can't help but share it with you!

"Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life."
--Jude 1:21

"We know how to keep ourselves in health. how to keep ourselves in knowledge, and so on; but to keep ourselves in the love of God is a big order, and our minds are exercised to know what Jude means by this exhortation. Does relaxing all stringency and carefulness mean that we slip out into a broad, humanitarian spirit that says, 'God is love,' and 'God's in His heaven; all's right with the world'? No, it cannot mean anything so natural as that, otherwise we had no need of an inspired writer to tell us to do it, and besides, Jude strikes terrible notes of warning (see vv.17-19). 'Keep yourselves in the love of God' refers very clearly to something distinct and special, something revealed in the direct will of God; a spiritual endeavor that we must consider and consider carefully with the Holy Spirit's help.

'Keep' means work. It is not a lazy floating, it is work. Work, or you will depart from the love of God [I need to stress here that he is not taking about earning God's love here, but about the work it takes to keep ourselves aware of it, to remind ourselves, and to choose to live in the knowledge of it!]. Begin to trace the finger of God and the love of God in the great calamities of earth, and in the calamities that have befallen you. In sweat of brain and spirit, work, agonizing at times, to keep yourself in the love of God. It is our wisdom, our happiness, our security to keep ourselves in the love of God. How do I keep myself in any sphere but by using every means to abide in it? If I wish to keep in the spiritual sphere of the love of God I must use the great organ of the spiritual realm, faith. 'God loves me'. Say it over and over and over, heedless of your feelings that come and go. Do not live at a distance from God, live near Him, delighting yourself in Him. Remove all barriers of selfishness and fear and plunge into the fathomless love of God.

'Keep yourselves in the love of God,' not 'keep on loving God.' None can do that. When once you have understood the truth about your own heart's sinfulness, think not again of it, but look at the great, vast, illimitable magnificence of the love of God. Oh, may we be driven-- driven further and further out into the ocean fullness of the love of God, taking care that nothing entices us out of that fullness again.

'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?' (Romans 8:35). Oh, the fullness of peace and joy and gladness when we are persuaded that nothing 'shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

I want to be driven further and further out into the ocean fullness of the love of God. I want to take care that nothing entices me out of that fullness again. I want to trust that every single day-- even if those days include horrid and hard goodbyes with dear ones I love, and long journeys back to lonely and discouraging places-- He is inviting me to know more of His love. And from that place of receiving it, to every day give and reflect more and more of it. To watch Him transform this world with my own little piece of the mirror reflecting the truth of His love and mercy.

Let's keep ourselves in this love til our every decision, every action, every word, even every hope reflects it out to a dying world...

Thanks again, dear Oswald :)

Beauty on a Bus

“Excuse me?”

I swung my head around back toward the bus I’d just exited and took in the image of the man approaching me. He wasn’t the kind of gent I’d hope to meet on a dark alley. Baggy pants, over-sized winter coat, the hoodie underneath it worn up, keeping the dark skin of his face in shadows. Whatever it is you’d call a grown boy of the inner-city ghetto, he looked and sounded it as he sauntered up beside me.

“I wanted to tell you back in Chicago,” He spoke when I responded to his ‘excuse me’ with slowing my walk and turning to him, “You are beautiful. Very, very beautiful.”

Of anything that I might have been expecting to hear, that was not it. I smiled, a bit taken aback, and squeezed out a timid, “Thank you!” with a bit of a nervous laugh.

“Very beautiful,” he repeated. 

I braced myself for what would follow, thinking briefly how I would navigate the uncomfortable come-ons gracefully and politely. I knew for a fact that I looked anything but beautiful that day. I had rolled out of bed at 6am, tossed on some comfy clothes, threw my hair up in a messy bun, and neglected all forms of make-up in anticipation of the 8 hour bus ride I would be making from Chicago to Minneapolis. I had just woken up from napping in a crumpled ball in my restrictive bus seat. It was surely an empty compliment delivered in hopes that he might achieve something with it… 

But as we continued to walk towards the station where our bus stopped somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin, he said nothing more. I held the door open for him, feeling obliged, and he waved it off, stopping outside for a smoke instead. 

I didn’t see him again the rest of the bus journey. He seemingly wanted nothing more than just to tell me that he found me beautiful; no strings attached... 

And as the fact of his random kindness sunk in, I was puzzled and touched.

For the first time in perhaps 8 or 9 years, I was in the Chicago area for longer than an airport layover. I had had the last few relaxed and pampering days with my dear dear Auntie Melissa. We had existed in an on-going soul-giving conversation of depth and laughter and tears-- while cooking, while going on walks through the neighbourhood, while having facials, while doing yoga at the gym, while driving, while enjoying a glass of sweet white wine. I cannot quite explain the beauty of such friendships as this. A few nights before my long bus ride home, I had the delightful opportunity of facing one of my many fears and speaking to my Aunt Melissa’s 8^th grade youth group girls about the journey God has me on, and His faithfulness in my life. I had spoken to them about self-worth, about the lies we believe as young girls and the truth of how He assigns to us our worth; how our beauty is intrinsic. Speaking to those girls, remembering being in 8^th grade myself, looking back over the years of His plan for me unfolding, was a powerful reminder to me of what it means to belong to this God.

And as I walked back out to board the bus and finish my journey, I could only look up at him with a smile. His beauty covers me. There is no striving in this beauty, there is no manufacturing it. It is Him, giving His gift of grace, regardless of what I do. 

And suddenly I am reminded again to rest on this journey of life. I am reminded again to stand before Him with open hands, receiving all that He has planned-- what I'd considered difficult as well as what I would consider sweet-- knowing that He is inherently trustworthy (and "why should the heart not dance" in all of it?), and He is all I need. Realizing that this is what Grace is-- His offering me His trustworthiness through every season, through every circumstance!

Somehow, it’s His beauty and grace which invites me to trust again and again and again as I walk on in all the unknown...