Sorry!

I have to apologize for being such an absent blogger! The past 5 1/2 weeks have been a whirlwind of travel, travel, travel and seeing many of your lovely faces :) What blessings you are to me...

So, first things first, I've updated the photo album section with more recent links to photos! And I've also updated the "currently reading" section, because it was ridiculously out-of-date.

My next task is to get a prayer letter out because I think I'm about 2 months overdue.... oops!!! Time has just gotten away from me! But I've arrived back in Sweden and 'back to life' this morning, so I will be settling back in to a routine and getting caught up, I hope!

Love you in Him...
Leah

...for when you feel forgotten.

After 6 years of hearing about it and following its ministry through its worship music, I finally had the opportunity to visit IHOP Mission Base (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City, Missouri. I have been drawn for years by the idea of a place (they call it ‘The Prayer Room’) where there is always prayer and worship happening 24/7. Some of my favourite worship comes out of this place, chiefly because the worship singers sing straight out of the Word of God and I find that very powerful.

I was on a family visit to my soldier brother in a nearby military town so one evening my mom, two of my brothers, one of my sisters-in-law and I headed the hour in to Kansas City. Arriving at IHOP, I was thankful to see it was an unassuming building which looked a bit like a strip mall, with a Christian bookstore and coffeeshop attached. I beat my family to the door, excited to finally praise in the Prayer Room, but we were met by a young guy explaining that the Prayer Room had moved over to the IHOPU (International House of Prayer University—a school of ministry attached to the organization) campus for a special weekend event. Apparently there’s an ‘awakening’ going on, like a revival, and IHOP was holding a revival meeting there.

I was disappointed not to be able to see and experience the Prayer Room after all these years of wanting to. But we headed over to theFSM (ForeRunner School of Ministry) building and looked for seats amongst the crowd. The goings-on were uncomfortably Charismatic for our little Baptist family, people shouting out, laughing hysterically, falling over, weeping, etc, as the man at the front preached and prayed, and the renown IHOP worship team playing quietly behind him.

I broke away from my family and found a seat at the centre. My heart was heavy before my God for so many reasons. I would be leaving my family again, and heading back to Europe and a particularly difficult ministry situation in 2 days time. I didn’t feel equal to the task. And I hated that ministry was feeling like a ‘task’. I was questioning my whole following of Him into this life of ministry…. Again…. And feeling all adrift. So inadequate. A screw-up. A laughing-stock of a missionary. As if I had ever had what it takes…

I was also wading through a particularly difficult family situation , one where I had been desperately overlooked and purposely hurt. I’d prayed when they did it that He would not let this hurt get in the way of our relationship in the future, but here I was nearly a year down the line and my heart was as sore as ever and I was fighting daily to keep from letting resentment in the way of our relationships which are so precious to me. But I felt as if I was failing miserably and found myself on frequent trips to the bathroom during that family time to just cry somewhere they wouldn’t see. I had lofty dreams of being able to sit alone with the family members and talk about it all and clear the air before I left again for Europe but chances of alone time were looking thin. Plus, I knew the Holy Spirit was prompting me to seek forgiveness from this person for my resentful feelings, regardless of what they had done to me. That humility wasn’t coming naturally. All in all, I was discouraged and bowed before Him there in tears.

The preacher spoke with passion in a faint Australian accent about being marked as God’s, about living more concerned with Eternity than with the present earth, about desiring Him above all. He called anyone who wanted more of Him, more surrender to Him, to come forward and fill the floor in front of the stage. I found myself drawn there. All around me people were having very charismatic experiences. The lady in front of me kept jerking forward as if she was about to crumble to the floor. The man to my left kept on yelling out indiscernable grunts. Beside my feet a woman was laying flat on the floor. To my right they were praying in tongues. Though I’ve become increasingly familiar with charismatic traditions, quiet and non-attention-drawing as a person, it is not my personality to be so demonstrative. It’s not necessarily a way I’d like to find myself acting. Still, I often pray that if THAT is what it means to have more of Him, then, please Lord, floor me. Knock me over. Cause me to weep and laugh and shout. Give me prayer languages which my mind has no discernment of. I want all of Him. And I prayed it again then as the preacher spoke with spiritual enthusiasm and heart. My spirit cried out in desperation.

Unfortunately, I, like many people, have had experiences of some people in authority in charismatic traditions telling me that I’m just not doing something right. That God gives us all these spiritual manifestations and it’s up to us to unwrap the gift. That until we experience His Spirit in this way, we aren’t really filled with Him at all. Sometimes they have been so convincing that I have truly felt lacking. I jump into ‘make it right’ mode and do whatever they prescribe. Then I throw myself back on Him in frustration and beg Him to break in where I am not understanding how to unwrap it, where I’m not ‘getting it right’. To have mercy on me. Usually He corrects me, reminds me that it’s about Him and what He does, not me and what I do. That He is perfectly capable of showing Himself to me in any way He so chooses, regardless of how I try to give Him the ‘right’ conditions.

That night as I stood there broken-heart and discouraged before Him, everyone around me hollering, weeping, laughing, falling over, seemingly uncontrollably, I heard my soul finally say to Him, “Lord, have You forgotten me?”

I don’t know how it happened because I had my eyes closed, my head down, my arms crossed, hugging myself, and one moment I heard the preacher on the stage praying for us and glorifying God, and the next I felt a hand on my forehead and a hand on my shoulder. Someone else gently touched my back. And the preacher with the Australian accent was suddenly there praying over me. Me. In the midst of that massive crowd. A quiet, unassuming, hardly-there, little presence with the over-flowing heart. He found me in the midst of that chaos and quietly but strongly declared, “You are His. He knows who you are.”

The tears spring to my eyes even now days later as I write this.

He said (I quickly went back to my seat and wrote it down), “You are His. He knows who you are. You are worthy to stand before Him (!!!). You are worthy. This is who you are. You are worthy to do this. Do not draw back in shame. You are pure. You are His. This is who you are.”

The worship team (including one of my favourite worship leaders in the world, Misty Edwards) finally began to sing, and I went back to my seat, bent over and crying and praying and praising, and sang along. He knows me. He knows what He’s doing with me. If I belong to this King, and if He knows every detail of who I am and what my life is like, why should I fear anything, feel insecure in any of it, or wonder if I’m a fool? If I’m a fool, I’m a fool for Him. And there is nothing more secure…

The cynic in me—the one which my family quickly brought out as we reconvened back in the car shortly after—knows that the prayer/declaration the preacher spoke over me could have been spoken over anyone and meant something. But it was for me. He came right down off the stage, milled through the crowd, and was led to me. In that moment, it was exactly what I needed to hear—right down to the ‘do not draw back in shame’ and ‘this is who you are’ strengthening my weak knees about this difficult life of ministry. And the fact that my heart cannot be overlooked by Him…

I didn’t even open my eyes to look at the preacher as he stood beside me with his hands laid gently on me. I only recognized him by his voice and his accent. I didn’t speak a word to him, only cried. But after he returned to the stage he began speaking by saying, “I feel that there are people in this room tonight whom have been called into full-time ministry but whom are seeing mountains of obstacles before them. Mountains of financial problems, mountains of relational problems, mountains of their own emotional insecurities, mountains of health problems. “ He preached from Zachariah 4:6, prayed and spoke to ‘the mountains’ which have to move in Jesus’ name.

My mountains in all those areas didn’t move right away, but I know Him well enough to know His time is rarely my time. I’m still waiting for my Diabetes to be healed, but meanwhile thanking Him for His sustenance as I’m living in good health despite it. I’m learning more and more every day about how to trust Him with my emotional heart. I’m still learning to push away fear and trust Him for provision as a support-raising independent missionary. And perhaps the biggest mountain that weekend, the relational issue didn’t just go away. But He’s using this horrible and seemingly unnecessary wound causing unspoken difficulty in precious relationships to teach me how to choose to forgive every time the pain bubbles up afresh— knowing that, in time, I will feel the forgiveness and healing in my heart if I keep choosing it in my willpower. I know that I serve a God who is in the business of moving mountains, and who makes me a mountain-mover too as I trust in Him.

And I revel in the way He decided to show me He had not forgotten about me. In fact, He knows me so well-- He designed me and knows how to work with my design—that rather than manifesting Himself to me by throwing me to the floor in an unconscious stupor, He moved the direction of the whole meeting to speak to my heart and soul and mind and all the issues weighing me down that night. Forgotten? I think not.

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands…” –Isa 49:15

How I love you, Lord.
Take me again and again and again and again
until my restless little heart finds its rest in You
and You alone.

SURPRISE!

I'm home in Minnesota!

My baby brother's graduating salutatorian from High School at the end of the month and it was looking like there was no way I could be here for him until my mom decided to surprise EVERYONE and bring me home in secret!!

It was the longest journey home in my life. I left Gloucester where I'd been looking after my friends' kids for the week on Monday afternoon by bus, spent the evening in London, then took a bus out to Heathrow Airport about 11:30pm in order to get my early morning plane. After boarding the plane at 8:30, we were told that because of the volcanic ash from Iceland we would have to be rerouted around the cloud and because of the huge line-up of aircraft waiting to take the same route around, we would be grounded for at least 2 hours. I quickly texted my mother in the states to let her know of my later arrival so she could adjust whatever stories she was telling people to explain her trip to Minneapolis to pick me up from the airport without anyone knowing! The new route then added an hour and a half to our journey so by the time we landed in Toronto, Canada, I'd missed my connecting flight to Minneapolis and so had my second night in a row of wandering around an airport all night to contend with, pushing my surprise arrival back a day and extending my travel time to a span of Monday afternoon to Wednesday late morning!

But perhaps it made the surprise arrival all that much more exciting!

My mom picked me up at the airport and we headed straight to my sister's, stopping by her hubby's work for a hug hello since it was on the way. When we arrived at Hannah's house, Mom went in just as she normally would, and I snuck up to their living room window and started singing loudly a lullabye I've always sung to my nieces ever since the first one was tiny :) I couldn't get through the first 2 lines before my sister and 5 year old niece were running out the front door exclaiming, "Auntie Leah's here!" Emmy (3 years old) was so enamored that when the travel-weary, jet-lagged and exhausted auntie asked if she could have her first shower in days, she said, "I'm going to come with you and watch!" hehe :)



Oh, I cannot tell you how precious their cuddles are to this very doting auntie!!!


Mom and I then drove the rest of the way back up home and she made sly phone calls trying to suss out where everyone was and how we might surprise them. We discovered my older brother Josh was going out for dinner with his family and we actually met them on the road driving in to the restaurant so we pulled up beside them and I waved nonchalantly as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about my riding in a car in Northern MN :) They quickly pulled my little nephew Tucker out of his carseat and I had my first cuddle since I first met him when he was 4 months old! He is like a whole different person to me now at 1! But we're fast friends again :)


As we were standing around in the parking lot, me cuddling my little man again, my dad just happened to drive by and look over to see his family in that parking lot and me amongst them! He quickly pulled in and got a hug and started masterminding how we would surprise Jonah-- the main reason for my home-coming this time. He called him into town to "help him with something" and told him to meet him at Dairy Queen where he was getting a bite to eat, promising him a DQ blizzard when he got there. Then he, Mom, and I headed over to the DQ to wait. Jonah really didn't want to come. Haha. Not even with the offer of his favourite ice cream treat. So dad changed tactics and told him he'd run into someone from our old town whom he wanted Jonah to meet. Meanwhile, I hid in the bathroom. Then, once Jonah was sitting down at the table with Mom and Dad with his back to me, Dad rang me and I came out of the bathroom to sneak up behind him and throw my arms around his neck! Goodness, I love this kid...


We rang my other brother Caleb and his wife Danie. He's stationed in Missouri at the moment and Danie's making their home in Kansas. We'll be visiting them just before I return to Europe!

One of the best ones was surprising my mom's parents. They came up on Friday for Abby's 5th birthday party here on the ranch. My mom had this very specific image of Hannah, Jonah, and I sitting around the kitchen table playing cards when they got in (my grandparents have taught us to play cardgames with them since we were little kids!), but we didn't know when they would get in and couldn't coordinate all of our schedules to get it just right. When they did arrive, I just HAPPENED to have gone upstairs for a moment. My mom quickly ran up and ushered me out of the house behind their backs and sent me into town. Haha. She thought that Hannah and the kids and Grandma and Grandpa and she would go join me at the tennis courts where Jonah was having a match. But by the time I got there, the match was finished and Jonah was on his way home! So, we changed tactics. Jonah and I came home, I snuck in while they were saying their hellos, and Hannah called G&G up to the kitchen for a game of cards. I slipped in to a seat beside her and Jonah joined us, so we were all posed when Grandma got up to the kitchen. She saw me from the living room and asked who that girl was, and as she got closer asked, "Well, what's going on?!" with a smile. Grandpa took longer, but as he took the few steps up to the kitchen, his eyes met my big smile and his face was PRICELESS. Just wide-eyed shock that stopped him in his tracks :) Oh Grandpa! As I hugged them and said, "Surprise!" he asked, "Are you home for good this time?" and said that he prays everyday I'll come home... Oh dear... Probably slightly counter-productive. But his protectiveness is heart-warming nonetheless.

I've been home to celebrate my niece Abby's birthday for the first time since she's been alive. She turned 5 on May 13th and we celebrated with a birthday party on the ranch this weekend!

And it is very precious to have time with the family and back on the ranch in the summer sun :) The Lord is whispering many things to my heart. And I am here trying to hold my arms wide open and not let them close too tightly around any of it, but just be thankful for it while I'm here!

Know this Love; love this Lover...
Leah

A Special Wedding and A Special Week

I'm writing this post from back in my lovely England. In Gloucester, in fact, my English 'hometown'. I haven't really the words to explain how good it is to be 'home.' I feel like I'm more fully myself here amongst these friends who are like family from all over the world. My heart just comes alive with love and compassion as I soak His presence in through the presence of my friends.

(The precious bride and I at her Hen Do... We all wore something on our heads so she wouldn't be embarrassed by her fluffy tiara :))

And my friend Ali's wedding was such a blessing to be involved in. I arrived in Gloucester Thursday and hit the ground running as we prepared for the Hen Do (like a Bridal shower/bachelorette party) and the wedding, being one of the Bride's 2 right-hand-ladies. (My 'official' title, as she said in the reception speech, was "the Best Woman's Best Woman"-- my friend Abbie was her Best Woman/Matron of Honour). I was so blessed to be asked to be so closely involved-- doing everything from last minute shopping with the bride, to decorating our college for the reception, to singing on the wedding worship team, to doing the bridesmaids hair and getting them dressed on the big day!

This wedding was incredibly encouraging to me because my friendship with Ali was born out of a desperately difficult time when her husband, whom I went to college with, left her and their 3 girls nearly 3 years ago. I have stood beside this incredible woman through the deepest darkest pits of brokenness, and my heart has broken for her and her beautiful girls again and again as they have sought the Lord for how to climb out of that pit. Seeing Andy take vows to love and support all 4 of them (he literally said vows to the 3 girls after saying them to their mum... I definitely cried) was like witnessing a beautiful healing and restoration from our faithful God right before my eyes. They ended the service by showing a slideshow of photos of their new family frolicking about together and my heart could have soared with joy for them. These are precious precious people... And I am so blessed to know them and be a part of their lives!

And it was blissfully fun to let loose with friends at the reception at college after, dancing and laughing the night away. Oh God, You are TOO good to me!

(The whole wedding party and the vicar overlooking the signing of the register)

(Leading worship at the wedding with my lovely friends reunited to form a worship team! Love it!)

(Marge, Abbie, and Amanda-- precious college friends for life-- raising the roof to 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' at the 'disco' after the reception)

The next day, after bride and groom had long since disappeared, 4 of us cleaned up the college together, went out for lunch and reminisced, and then went back to college and curled up under a warm duvet all together on a cold, damp, English afternoon as we continued to catch up and enjoy one anothers' company. Goodness, I am blessed blessed blessed by the friendships the Lord has woven into my life, where I can just be myself... and randomly instigate big bed parties. (The Lord uses these people to show me what it's like to be comfortable in my own skin.)

And now I am continuing this journey of blessing in serving that the Lord has me on by keeping house and home for Ali while she's away on honeymoon! I'm playing mum to her 3 lovely girls, ages 15, 13, and 11. I feel so honoured to be given such responsibility and trust. I was quite nervous about it a few weeks ago as I may know the mum very well, but hardly knew the children. And I realize this is a rather emotional time for them, seeing their mom remarried. Would I have what it takes to be what they need in their lives for these 10 days?

I felt like I got my answer to that at the wedding reception only a few days into my time here when the middle daughter, Abi, came up to me out of the blue, wrapped her slender arms around my neck and said only, "Thank you, Leah." I hugged her back and asked, "You're so welcome, sweetie! But... what for??" She laughed a little and said, "I don't know. Just for being you."

My heart sighed a prayer of thanks to our beautiful God. This week is going to be MORE than okay.

And I'm breathing in and out His blessings in my England :)

Stranded in Sweden!

I'm sorry for my silence!!

My friends from England, Abbie & Paul Brooks, came in last Wednesday to spend 4 days with me-- which were LOVELY-- but then due to the European airspace crisis because of the volcano in Iceland spurting out ash, they ended up being stranded here with me for 5 extra days!! After 9 days sharing every bit of life together and camping out in my one room flat, we have grown really rather attached to one another :)


And I am blessed beyond measure by God's love as expressed through these precious friends.

The airspace is finally opening up across Europe and they were able to rebook a flight for Friday night. I'll have to say farewell which is really hard to imagine after so much time attached at the hip! But after a busy weekend of women's ministry, worship leading, and babysitting, I will swiftly be off to see them again at our friend's wedding in Gloucester! I've been asked by my lovely friend, the bride, to look after her children and home while she and her groom are away on their honeymoon! I'm so honoured to be trusted so, and so looking forward to being back in my England for a visit with many loved ones :) This wedding will be very special as I have seen my lovely friend the Bride through some very difficult seasons. It is so beautiful to see how He's weaved His goodness into a situation the enemy meant to shatter her with...

Exciting, exciting!
I'll be in touch :)
Love on, love on, love on--
Leah

p.s. I do intend to send out a newsletter at some point. The days just get away from me completely!

Sunshine Prayers...

It is mid-April and still a bit cool, but the sun shines with such a golden brilliance here. I sat on my friends' deck this morning, soaking it up and laying my heart bare before my God. So much on it. As usual.

He listened, patiently, and whispered assurances, and then pointed me to spend some time in first, second, and third John this morning.

I was just floored by the familiar words; by the inexpressible shock of this Almighty, Merciful, Righteous, Cosmic, Compassionate, Redeemer God inviting me, inviting you, to know His limitless love. And this verse especially hit me:

"No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love has been brought to full expression through us." -- 1 John 4:12

Do you realize the omnipotent God of the universe, the Creator of all things, and the very source of Love and all things Good, wants to express Himself through US?? Why He deigns to give His grace to such broken jars of clay, I will never understand. I will just soak it up as He pours it down, until I am overflowing with it, and He, who has never been seen, can be seen in me through my love of others (!!! what? !!!). We don't love because someone is worthy of it (otherwise He would never give any of us the time of day) but because "He first loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins" (1 Jn 4:10). And, "since God loved us so much, we surely ought to love each other" (1 Jn 4:11).

I see His love in my life and I desire so much to shine it all around me, to "express it fully." This will be the journey of my life, learning how better to love. And when I grow weary and start to think of how wonderful it would be to just live for myself, I will sit in the sunshine, feel the kiss of it against my skin, and remember Him.

And live to die to myself another day.

He is so infinitely worth it.
May you taste and see...

Love on, love on, love on,
Leah

Glad Påsk!

The sanctuary was completely dark, except for the smallest bit of light over the podium where I read from. It was completely silent, except for my heels on the hardwood as I trod to the door leading outside to a fire on the church's balcony and then approached the Christ candle with my tiny one lit.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. In the Word was life, and the life was the light of all humanity. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." -- John 1

Somehow the truths struck more true that Easter Eve.

By the end of the evening we'd reflected on Christ as the light of the world, we'd reflected on our baptism into His death, and, at the stroke of midnight, we'd shared in The Last Supper, and the lights went on, and we sang out Hillsong's "Mighty to Save" with a new gusto.

And we sang this song, which I'd never heard before and now CANNOT get enough of....


We were a small gathering. Maybe there were 20 of us gathered bravely in the middle of the night for The Well's Easter vigil. But it was a powerful meeting of symbolism and scripture. I was so blessed to be involved.

This is my third Easter in Sweden. Once when I was 14 staying with my Aunt and Uncle, once last year when I first arrived back in Sweden, and once now. My weekend was full of church activities (organizing a 'Passion of the Christ' viewing, organizing worship for Rescue Mission, helping to lead the vigil with The Well, then helping to prepare for an Easter party with The Well on Easter Monday) but also of great reflection which fueled my heart to just worship Him for all that He is... again.

And to feel so thankful. So beyond thankful. But unable to express it in words.

Thank You, Jesus. Words fail me. Just, thank You.

***

Naturally, over the holidays, I missed my family. Alot. My nieces and nephews especially! Just have a look :)

All 4 of them at my mom and dad's on Easter Day. Cuties!

These stunning photos of my Abby & Emmy & Kenan were taken by a family friend who is just starting up a photography business!
Check her out: http://www.danajphoto.com