Grandma's Christmas Candies

This weekend was beautiful.

The apron of Grandma's
that I remember the most keenly

I spent it at my Grandpa's house, helping him to figure out how in the world Grandma made all her Christmas candy. He wanted to do it this year, to hand out to all the family like Grandma used to-- huge boxes full of chocolate-covered-cherries, Turtle candies made from scratch, various cookies, and almond-bark goodies. We could never have guessed how tiring it would be! How Grandma did this year after year, I will never know. But as I stood in her kitchen, wearing her apron, stirring her pots of caramel, I felt so close to her. It struck me how very many times her smooth, soft hands had touched those well-worn pots and pans. Cooking for others was one of the main ways Grandma showed her love-- pots and pots full of love.

There were some tears-- for both Grandpa and I-- but there was also lots of laughter. And I can't wait to find an excuse for another long weekend spent at Grandpa's :)

My very own Christmas elf :)

Happy Birthday, My Grandma

It's been such a very long time since the world has stopped spinning long enough to sit down and spill out my ponderings here.

By the grace of God, I managed to get home for my precious Grandma's funeral. It was a crazy last few days in Sweden, then about 24 hours of travel time and all night spent in airports, bus, and train stations in London to get to my early morning flight (and my sweet, chivalrous man stayed with me til 3 in the morning, even though he had to work the next day!). But upon arriving home, my Mom collected me at the airport and we went straightaway to Grandma and Grandpa's house and I went straight into my Grandpa's arms.

I'm so thankful I was home for the days that followed. I honestly don't know if I could have withstood losing my Grandma without facing it with my family. She was so loved by all of us and loved all of us so very much. She has left such an incredible legacy of love and encouragement and friendship. I miss her every day.

Her visitation was on the Friday night after I arrived in on the Thursday. I'd been managing to hold myself together pretty well after the first few days of coming to terms with her loss before I left Sweden. (Charles was there and did a lot of back stroking and holding me when I cried. I'm so thankful he just happened to be visiting when I got the news. God is too good to me.) But upon pulling up to the church with my dear cousin Jackee and her husband, I suddenly felt like I couldn't walk through those church doors. I couldn't face seeing her lying there, devoid of the life and exuberance and warmth she had always embodied to me. A few family members congregated outside the doors and hugs and tears flowed freely. And somehow, I entered the church, and started to make my way into the sanctuary and up toward the casket where she lay. I didn't feel like the 26-year-old woman who has lived and worked all over the world in all kinds of circumstances then. I felt about 6 years old and all alone and desperate for a cuddle from my Grandma, who was always perfectly proportioned for snuggling into.

I didn't stay long in the sanctuary upon seeing her. Too upset. But eventually I made my way back in and took a seat in the front row to be near to her body and to the family members milling about. Grandpa was stationed near to her at the top of the aisle of pews and remained there the whole night, speaking to everyone who came to pay respects. He would later tell me that he was up half that night with charlie-horses in his legs. With no air-conditioning, the sanctuary was very very hot as well, and we were all giving and receiving a great deal of hugs.

My darling little 5-year-old niece Emily came and sat down beside me on the pew. With quiet reflection, she looked up into my face. Then she sat up on her haunches to peer more closely at it. I don't think she'd actually seen Auntie crying before. Then, sweetly, and with such confidence, she said to me, "Don't worry, Auntie Leah. Grandma's alive in heaven, and in our hearts." Out of the mouth of babes. She then went on to say that her dearly loved cat Natalie was also in heaven and I told her that her great-grandma was probably taking care of Natalie now and she liked that idea very very much :)

The younger great-grandchildren with their limited understanding of what was happening were so sweet. My Mom saw my cousin's 3-year-old Michael trying to reach up into the casket and reach Grandma's hand, so she picked him up in her arms so he could get a better look. He asked, "What happened?" and my Mom told him that she had died. His reply was, "She died? What happened?" and it went on like this for a bit. The next day at the actual funeral, I heard Michael loudly proclaim, "She died" to the other children. I wonder if he even knows what that means, but he's so darling saying it and I just imagine Grandma getting the giggles as she watches the going-ons from heaven!

The funeral was really a beautiful celebration of her life. My Grandpa said he'd been to a lot of funerals but never one as nice as his wife's. I'm so glad he felt that way. My dad said that so many people came that it was one of the bigger funerals he's ever done. The turn out of support from friends and family was incredible and I'm so thankful, especially as it touches my Grandpa. So many flowers were sent that it created a whole wall on either side of the casket at the front of the church. My Uncle Mike gave a eulogy on behalf of her four children, and my cousin JD gave one on behalf of us 12 grandchildren. They both did such a good job at bringing across who she was to us. JD managed to mention a memory from each one of the 12 of us. It was a very tearful affair. All of us granddaughters and granddaughter-in-laws had the honour of carrying one of Grandma's hankies that day, a precious way to feel a bit connnected. Grandpa also let me wear a necklace of hers for the day. Somehow, it was very special to have things of hers as we went through the day...

Before the service got underway, my Dad the funeral director and my Grandpa the husband went up to close the casket. Grandpa nearly broke my heart when he leaned down to give her one last kiss. The last of the thousands he must have given her in their 61 years of marriage, and couple of years of courting before that! They have always loved one another oh-so-well and my heart is perhaps most tender for my darling Grandpa now...

As they covered the closed casket with a cream-coloured cloth, and placed the flower arrangement with the ribbon declaring "Best Grandma Ever" in the centre of it, my sweet little 3-year-old nephew Tucker asked loudly, "Where'd 'Mama go? Where 'Mama?" And my heart broke a bit more, but with a sort of sweetness at his innocence. He didn't like having her closed away in the coffin where he could no longer see her. I think I found it disturbing to see my Grandma's body there but emptied of HER. And it was time now to let her go...

It was imperative that I could pull myself together in time for the song I was asked to sing. "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. I was desperate for the sound to make it out past the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. And perhaps it wasn't sung properly, but it managed to find its way out and I'm so thankful. The message of the song is just so poignant, and so important for us to think on, to remember the paradise she is enjoying now. We so easily forget that this earthly life is not the end, and in fact is only the tiniest fraction of the promised eternal life when we believe in the grace of God through Christ. My Grandma knew her Saviour, and she is more alive now than she has ever been. And I am so glad for her...

My baby brother Jonah and my niece
Abby visiting Grandma's grave the day after

All of us grandchildren (except for 1 cousin who couldn't make it) escorted the casket out of the church and when we all moved to burial site we lined up and laid our corsage flowers on her grave, with a few moments each to say a final goodbye. Lots of tears, lots of hugs. Then we were each given a long-stemmed red rose from the flower arrangement atop her casket. A dozen roses for a dozen grandkids. She really was the best Grandma ever...

It was a hard, but healing day. We spent the rest of the day together at my Aunt Julee's as an extended family. I needed so many hugs. I'm so very very thankful I was home for the funeral and the family time.

My grandpa created this train for behind his 4-wheeler for the
great-grandkids

I'm even more thankful that God gave my beautiful Grandma to me for the first 26 years of my life. She loved me so unconditionally. We had so many laughs and so many memories and so many hugs and cuddles. I was not ready to go on creating memories without her, and want to pick up the phone and find her on the other end of the line a hundred times a day, but I'm so thankful for the times we've had and the lessons I've learned just through knowing her and loving her...

Before I left my Grandpa's house (and how strange it is to call it that instead of Grandma AND Grandpa's) to go back to the airport the following week, my Mom slipped a ring which was my Grandma's on my finger. They had thought about burying her in it because it's her "mother ring", with the birthstones of her 4 children, and they didn't expect anyone would really want it. But I said that as it is something I have NEVER seen off her finger, I'd love to keep it in memory of her. I remember often stroking her hands, because they were so wonderfully soft, and asking about her rings, and she'd explain where she'd gotten each one. And she'd tell me which of the birthstones belonged to which of her children. I'd always try to find my mother's birthstone :) On my flight back to England, processing all that the 12 days back home had held and thinking about my upcoming speaking engagement at a youth event upon arriving, I kept finding myself gazing down at Grandma's ring on my hand and feeling a mixture of sorrow at missing her, and comfort at wearing something on my hand which she had always worn on hers... Like a tangible connection to her. I haven't gone a day without wearing it since. And every time I look at it, I'm reminded of how she loved me, of how proud she was of me.

And there is something so beautiful and comforting and wonderful about that legacy she's left me to hold on to. She loved me. She was proud of me. And I can rest in that. Thank you, Grandma. I love you so.

My grandma's ring and her hankie I carried with me for the funeral

Tomorrow would have been Grandma's 81st birthday. The extended family is getting together at my Grandpa's house to celebrate with him and remember her. I so wish I could be a part. But I'll be thankful for my Grandma and for my family from afar. Speaking with Jesus face-to-face now, I imagine this may be her happiest birthday ever, and that gives me solace...

Thank you, Lord, for giving me my Grandma. Please hold her close to you now. And please make Yourself in all Your comfort and peace so real to my Grandpa left without his other half, and to my Mom and her siblings left without their mother, and to my cousins and I left without the best Grandma in the world. We all miss her so. But we're so thankful You saw fit to give her to us...

“The loss is immeasurable. But also immeasurable is the love left behind.”
– Felicia Moran

My Grandma

My darling Grandma DeLores Seger went to be with Jesus on Saturday the 14^th of July.

The last photo Grandma and I ever took
New Year's Day 2012

I have wanted to sit down and write everything out of me for the last few days but every time I have tried, the blank page has just stared up at me, gapingly empty, and the words haven’t come. But now that flights are booked and things are sorted for my departure tomorrow, it’s time.

My baby brother Jonah and Grandma being cute together
in 2009 :)

She was in so much pain. Due to a few fractures in her back which had kind of worn out over time from having osteoporosis. She was also going into kidney failure after years of medication for her congestive heart failure. In the end, she was back in the hospital for a blood pressure which had dropped dangerously low and kidney levels which had skyrocketed much too high. I spoke with her from her hospital bed on Skype Saturday morning—praise the Lord. I didn’t know it would be her last morning this side of heaven… I’d been praying these last few weeks when she was in and out of hospitals and nursing homes that God would miraculously touch her and relieve her of the horrendous pain. I guess He did. She’ll never know pain again… 

But the world seems a very mean place without her gentle, enthusiastic, abundantly loving presence in it. 

She was nearly 81 years old. She had lived a long, full, and happy life. She had known the faithful love of one good man—high school sweethearts—and over their 61 years together they had raised 4 fine children, and loved well their 12 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren. Her world really seemed to revolve around us, her family. She gave her heart generously to every one of us grandkids, each in our own way. 

Dancing the night away at grandchild Caleb's wedding in 2009

Grandpa and Grandma arm in arm in 2009

Staying over at Grandma's house in 2004

When I was little I was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes, and with my regimen in those early years of insulin injections and finger pricks and specific diet, attending summer camp like the rest of my siblings seemed out of the question. So instead, I left my family for a week of having Grandma and Grandpa all to myself at the old farmhouse. And after that week, I would repeat the experience as often as possible :) My cousin Jackee and I spent every chance we could being spoiled and coddled at the farm, and Grandma was our constant playmate, taking us for rides on the 4-wheeler around the idyllic, sunny MN farmland, and even teaching us to drive—just telling us when to let up on the throttle so she could do the shifting :) She always remembered to pack the cupboards with all my favourite Diabettic-friendly treats—canned pear halves, vanilla wafers, and diet root beer :) She patiently taught us every card game under the sun as soon as we wanted to play, and she frequently let us win :) 

Grandma and my "little" cousin Dylan

Grandma made all of our birthday cakes to order. Over the years she’s decorated mine with kittens, rainbows, and even an up-standing Barbie in a cake shaped like a dress. For my sister, she once decorated a birthday cake with a picture of our new baby brother :) Whatever we asked for, she would make happen. She made every birthday for us so special.

I can distinctly remember one visit to Grandma's when I was climbing up into the "weeping willow" tree next to "the big rock" (you cousins will know what I mean) and feeling so proud of myself because I was climbing so high, higher than all the other cousins. But then it became time to come down, and when I turned around, I could see no way down in sight! I started to panic and cry, stranded up there SO high. My cousin ran for Grandma and out she came in her kitchen smock and instructed me down, her presence a reassurance and her arms waiting for me at the low branches... Just having her there made everything alright.

Jackee and I always stayed in “The Green Room” upstairs at the farmhouse—so named because of the thick green shag carpeting laid in the 60’s, and the green and white floral print bedspread. One of my favourite things in the world was the way the sun would shine through the farm trees and wake us in the morning. Grandma would invariably already be up and working on one thing or another, having seen Grandpa off to work bright and early with a packed lunch and a kiss. She let us raid the green room closets and try on old dresses of our mothers’. And then she shamelessly took us to church dressed in these relics of the past, and proudly told all of her friends about her little granddaughters wearing their mothers’ dresses—as if it were the cutest thing she’d ever seen.

Grandma and I with my darling nieces, 2 of her
great-grandchildren, in 2007

Grandma was known for proudly telling all of her friends everything. It’s always made me laugh when I would hear her repeat the same amusing anecdote 5 times in a day simply because 5 different people ended up ringing her on the telephone after whatever it was had occurred :) Oh, Grandma could laugh!

I can hear her voice even now. It was very distinctive to me. I could always find her in a room of people if I just listened out for my Grandma’s voice.

I think my Grandma may have been the most perfectly-suited-for-cuddles-grandmother that God ever made. There was nothing quite like the security of snuggling into her. She had the softest hands I’ve ever known as well, which is somewhat surprising as I only ever remember her being busy using them for one thing or another—except for when she’d sit in Grandpa’s big green chair to “rest her eyes” while we kids played beauty salon on her hair :) I used to hold her hands and memorize the stones on her rings. She’d recite to me what they were each meant to remind her of, and she would snuggle me to my heart’s content. She was just everything a Grandma is meant to be.

Christmas 2008

When I was a bit older, Jackee and I started a yearly tradition of joining Grandma and Grandpa for their summer trips down to Nebraska. When Mom asked what I’d like to do to celebrate my 13^th birthday, I said I’d like to spend it with Grandma and Grandpa, but they were headed to Nebraska for their high school and family reunions. So, we concocted a plan for Jackee and I to take the trip with them and spend the week at Aunt DoDo’s in a sleepy little Nebraskan prairie town. We never could have guessed how much we would love it—and so every year after until my late teens we continued to make the trek, playing Beatles music on repeat in the backseat of the car until even Grandpa was singing along (albeit, changing the words to suit his humour :), and “running into blizzards”-- as Grandpa would warn us before a stop at Dairy Queen. Grandma and Grandpa delighted in showing us their love by spoiling us rotten, and we delighted in being spoiled :)

Grandpa, Grandma, Jackee, and I taking another special trip together
to visit a Laura Ingalls homestead in 2009

Me, my sister-in-law, my brother, and my sister out playing
Bingo with the Bingo Queen :)

When I was small I wrote my Grandma a poem which began, “Grandma, you’re my greatest friend and I hope this friendship will never end…” (and she carried it around to show all of her friends for ages after, of course :)) but I think as I grew older, I really came to appreciate that friendship in new ways. Grandma was a great telephone-talker and as I grew up living about 2 ½ hours away from them, this was a good thing! When I got my license, I quickly racked up  miles on the old Dodge Dynasty going back and forth from Milaca to visit grandparents and cousins, to continue to play a lot of cards and even take some forays into Bingo with the Bingo Queen herself :)

When moving away to follow a call of God into ministry in Europe, Grandma was always such a support and encouragement to me. When I would come home to visit, she would show me the binder of all my letters and newsletters she’d been saving to show to her friends. She frequently told me that she couldn’t wait until I published a book one day. She just knew I would.

My grandparents and I at Jackee's wedding in 2009

My heart aches when I think she’ll never hold that book in her silky-soft hands. And I so wanted to share my wedding day with her—to watch she and Grandpa out there on the dance floor and marvel at what over 60 years of loving and supporting one another looks like. I dreamed of coming home to introduce her to my babies one day, and to see her cradle them and ooh and ahh over them like she has so many of us over the years. To listen as she picked up the phone and began to share with her friends her pride and joy at these precious moments. Grandma’s presence in my life has always been one of constant encouragement. And it’s been a blessing to see in the out-pouring of condolences how so many people I didn’t even know knew her have been touched by that same generosity of spirit, thoughtfulness, and love she gave out. I am reminded of all the things I love about my Grandma, and all the ways I’d like to be more like her myself.

My baby bro Jonah and Grandma 2009

It just hit me today that I have never had to try living in a world without her in it. In all of my 26 years, from the very first day I drew breath, she’s been there. Constantly encouraging me, supporting me, loving me. There is a gaping hole in my world today, now that she’s gone. 

It’s times like these when the beauty of God’s grace shines all the more radiantly. Because Grandma knew and accepted Christ as her Saviour just as I have, I know this separation is only a temporary one. And the comfort in that is unimaginable. I’m so thankful she is free of the pain. The last few years she has just been wearing down more and more. She was ready to go and meet her Saviour. And I can only imagine the wholeness and joy she’s experiencing now. I just wish she could call me and tell me all about it :) 

The first time I left for Europe, for 2 months when I was 14, Grandma came to the airport to see me off. When she wrapped me up in a hug, she whispered to me, “May 10,000 angels surround that airplane and protect my little Lee-Lee” (the name that was only between Grandma and me). I realized today that now Grandma is surrounded by those scores of angels, praising their King together, and the image brings tears to my eyes.

My adorable grandparents renewing their vows after 60 years of marriage
June 4th, 2011

I love you, Grandma. You have left a lasting legacy of love and encouragement and support in my life (and you’ve also made a lot of cakes, driven a lot of miles to be there for holidays and milestones, let me win a lot of hands of cards, patiently taught me to cross-stitch, and how to make your delicious potato soup, and so much more).

I think I will miss you as long as I live.

Thank you for being all that you've been to my life...

Grandma with one of her great-grandbabies, Emily, in 2008

Grandma, Jonah, and me in Nebraska in 2011

With another of her great-grandchildren,
my nephew Tucker, in 2009

Grandma and great-grandchild Emily, 2009

Grandma and great-grandchild Kenan 2009

Grandma and her oldest daughter, my mom
New Year's Day 2012

Grandma and great-grandchild Tucker 2009