Sometimes I find Sweden just about the most discouraging place in the entire world.
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| My gorgeous Grandma and I last New Year's Day |
Back home, my Grandma has been taken into hospital and for a moment a few days ago I thought I would be jumping on the next plane out. Thankfully, we saw some signs of recovery and she's been stabilised. She's in a great deal of pain due to fractures in her back, and she's suffering from pneumonia on top of her pre-existing congestive heart failure. Her kidneys are also on their way to needing dialysis. When her heart nearly stopped a few nights ago, it forced me to come to terms with the fact that this season of life Grandma's entered is very precarious. And I need to be ready to say goodbye.
I have been crying for days. But slowly coming to terms with the nature of life and death. And also hoping and praying HARD! I am due back in the country in October and could stay a rather indefinite amount of time. Months and months of treasuring good times with Grandma up for when this season reaches its end. But between then and now I have obligations and commitments already sorted on this side of the pond-- including a few ministry events in England in August, and even a speaking engagement (eek!!!). And firstly, to see out one last (please, God!) month in Sweden.
I've been feeling pretty fed up with it lately. I've been feeling like "what's it all for?" I've been aching over the fact that so many here (and everywhere) just don't want to know Him. Just plain don't want to. Here it's a matter of pride and self-sufficiency-- "I don't need God. He loves me? I don't care. I don't think He's real anyway." It starts to feel like banging my head, or maybe my heart because that's far more tender, against a brick wall.
Lord, why have me so far away from my family, living so uncomfortably homeless, making barely enough money to eek by on, if no one cares what you have to say through me anyway? I just wanna be holding Grandma's hand, and instead I find myself here. And my mother back home says, "Just come home!" like it's that easy.
Fed.Up. And a little bit heartbroken. I feel like I've been here pouring out my heart for the people He's led me to and whom I have grown to love. But to no avail. I feel so
worn out...
In my bible study this morning, I was looking at Daniel 7:25. I'm in pretty deep territory at the moment, studying eschatological prophecy. So it's not as if every verse is speaking deeply to my soul. Ha! But in this verse it's basically talking about how the enemy will oppress the people of God. And I learned that the literal meaning of the word
oppress in Daniel 7:25 is "to wear away," or "to wear out" just like one would wear out a garment.
Wow, does that ever sound familiar to me. How often in my years here have I just felt all but spent? Worn out like a ragged, old garment. I don't mean to be hyper-spiritual or creepy or anything, but I reckon Sweden is one of the countries that the enemy has won so much ground in that he works extra hard to oppress those who try to win some of that ground back for the Kingdom of God...
Here's the thing I have to cling to, though-- God's Kingdom has already won. When Jesus went to the cross, He made a way for
everyone to believe and be saved. Even in Sweden. I suppose that's why it's so discouraging when no one wants to know that...
Why would someone not want to know that there is unconditional love waiting for them? That it's always been for them, and is drawing them all along (
Jeremiah 31:3). That is precisely what all of us, at our very cores, are longing for, searching for, working for... Why would someone not want to know that there is grace and forgiveness for EVERYthing they've ever done, every time they've tripped up, every action they carry around with them, perpetually trying to justify and yet never fully forgiving themselves for (
Romans 3:24)? Why would someone not want this Holy Lover who doesn't just save us and then leave us, but continually walks with us, continually works with us to become more and more like Him (
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)-- full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (
Galatians 5:22-23)? And will never abandon us (
Hebrews 13:5b). Why would someone not want the power that He holds out to us every single day (
Ephesians 1:19-20) to face this hard life? Why would someone not want to know that that hard life has a purpose beyond what they can see (
Romans 8:28)? Why would someone not want the kind of friendships which encourage and build them up, selflessly and without false motives, refreshing to the soul like my Christian friendships are (
1 Thessalonians 5:11)? Not to mention an eternity in heaven, living as life was meant to be lived, not this painful, unsatisfying thing it is (
Romans 8:18-25)...
What is there to gain in never asking Him to help you believe? All I can see is just that there is everything to lose in NOT asking...
But it makes no difference MY knowing it. And so I fight to finish out my July here with some modicum of joy...
Please pray, friends; please pray. Why would anyone still choose not to choose belief? Pray that those I'm here with in Sweden will
try....
“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.”
– G. K. Chesterton
[A verse for me tonight-- maybe you're needing it too?: "So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." -- Hebrews 10:35-36]
