The Shattering of the Sacred & Heavenly, Healing Magic...

I love him.  I love who we are together.

I didn't know when I said "I do" holding his hands, wearing my mom's beautiful lacy dress, dancing into the night with the people dearest to us, that I would love him this much. I thought I already loved him as much as any heart could hold... Little did I know.

Little did I know the quiet ways of real love, of real care. I hadn't seen it, really; not fleshed out. Sure, I'd dreamed of it. I'd written about it. I'd hoped for it. But in a broken world, love too is broken, and really rather extremely broken love is what I knew. And my husband and I are not perfect, far far far from it, in fact. And our relationship is still so young. We chuckle when we think of all the years of our lives we lived separate from one another, not even knowing one another existed. It was Sept 10th, 2009 when we happened into one another's [very different] stories. It wasn't until 14 months later that we took our friendship to that next level and blushed as we introduced one another as boyfriend and girlfriend. Nearly another 2 years after that we promised-- with a stunning diamond solitaire-- to marry one another. And it was only last summer that we joined our lives and hearts and bodies in marriage.  

Marriage: that courageous vow to not only love, but to cherish another person. To stand by them regardless of what the years bring, to support them-- with wise love-- to be forever becoming the person God meant when He dreamed them up. To take the hand of someone who is not you, who does not think like you, see the world as you do, feel as you do, and promise to put him first, to choose to lay down your own needs in order to serve his needs, trusting that he'll look after yours. And in that way, everyone's needs are met. It's terrifying. It can go so badly. Again, the broken world gets in the way... But when two people are daily trying (this is a key word since there's no such thing as perfect outside of Jesus' love) to love this way... the result is nothing short of heavenly, healing magic.

My husband's love is my own taste of heavenly, healing magic.

Our scant year and a half of marriage has happened upon one of the most difficult seasons of my emotional life. I don't have words to describe it, really. Circumstances have made me feel like all the things I thought sacred have been broken, mutilated, ripped apart, scattered. I don't know how to put them back together, so instead I feel like I just sit in the pile of the pieces and weep. And rage. I feel like I'm always teetering on this precipice, praying I won't fall into the dark abyss beckoning me to forget all the beauty, all the love, all the grace in the midst of all the evil, all the brokenness, all the despair that surrounds and closes in.

And there, stalwart and steadfast like the majestic Coastal Redwoods (and did I mention over-the-top handsome? My God is just THAT generous!) beside me stands my husband, quietly reaching out one stabilizing arm to massage the back of my neck. There he stands, offering me his strength, his perfectly kissable broad shoulders with their toned valley between them leading down to a muscular back beckoning me to rest against it. God's timing is more perfect than I have ever before known. May I hold on to that when everything makes me forget. I could not have met this season of life without the strength of my husband to borrow from, without the kindness of my husband to rely on, without his thoughtfulness, compassion, and care. Without his supportive love. Such a heavenly, healing magic! Such a gift from a loving God, and proof that evil does not get to win... That is the message my husband's love is sent from heaven to give me.

We took a once in a lifetime road trip a few weeks ago which made me ponder and grow. Flew out to Seattle, rented a car, and drove down the coast all the way to L.A., soaking up the beauty of one corner of the world our tremendously creative God made. Soaking it up together-- catching one another's excitement and wonder as we kissed in the ocean winds on the beaches of Oregon, hiked out to the sequoias in California, scaled the enchanting coastal Redwoods with our eyes (I love his eyes; golden brown and Long-lashed, speaking volumes in their gaze), walked down rows of vines in golden Napa Valley, and maneuvered traffic in L.A. Even outstanding beauty is more beautiful when I breathe it in next to him. When I feel his hand on the small of my back, guiding me over the rough patch of the trail, or when he insists on escorting me out to the motel office to keep me safe. This love he shows me... it is Jesus' touch. I recognize the divine in it, and I cannot bow low enough in gratitude and amazement. So the times when it's not easy, and little annoyances and hurts between us-- marks of living in a broken world-- rear their ugly heads, I remind myself of that hand on the small of my back, keeping me safe, looking out for my best. Because I know in good faith that that's my husband's heart... And my choice to show him love and grace and faith in his heart creates the same safe and strong place for him as he makes for me.

And I know that this masterpiece of a man whom God's given me to live life with is a gift to me from a loving God. And THAT is my Jesus' heart. So I cannot let this shattering of the sacred bring me to forget the heart of what God is up to in this world, His heavenly, healing love shed abroad to anyone who will accept it. I must hold on to all the ways He places his hand on the small of my back, guiding me over the rough patches of trail...

Our 1st Engagement Shoot: An Ancient Cotswold Church

My adorable friend Lizzie Smith, who helped orchestrate the whole surprise engagement, took our first set of engagement photos the day after he proposed! She just happens to live in the most beautiful part of England, The Cotswolds, and right next door to a stunning 15th century parish church where I've attended many a Sunday morning service. It was a PERFECT shoot to represent my side of this relationship-- my "English hometown" where we got engaged is in Gloucestershire, where we took these photos. (And later in the week we did a London shoot which is where my man is from, but we're still waiting to see those photos...)

I've posted a few of my favourites here, with a link to the full album below. My darling friend is so talented! And the Cotswold churchyard and ancient church is just the fairytale-esque backdrop our romance demands :)

I love this man so.

 “My goal is that they will be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.”

– Colossians 2:2

 [See the entire album of our first set of engagement photos here:
Cotswold Engagement Shoot]

Photo Challenge Day 3: The Tunnel of Love

The Tunnel of Love

I found myself walking behind this darling elderly couple today in a pedestrian bridge down by the harbour. They walked arm in arm all the way. I wondered how many years they had spent arm in arm, and I thanked the Lord for Love and how it literally holds us...

Hope: What it Means to be Kingdom People

"There is Always Hope"-- an image by an anonymous British street artist known as Banksy

I am so uninspired today.

Crazy, that, after my last post was just telling of such jubilant things.

Today I have short thoughts followed by heavy full-stops. 

Like this. 

And mostly I just feel really lonely
(...a little perusing the registry to find a gift for another friend's wedding will do that to you... The biggest emotional struggle, which gives rise to every other practical struggle in my life right now-- you might as well just know-- is trying to understand why my amazing, handsome, scrumptious, man-of-God boyfriend who loves me and is planning on a future with me has yet to give me a bit of security and put a ring on it... Eep-- the months apart grow hardhardhardhard!)

But soon I'll be meeting up with some people from my church plant so we can walk around the part of the city where we are planting the church and pray over the steps we take-- pray for the tall buildings of flats housing people from all over the world and every kind of walk of life; pray for His kingdom to come, and that He would use us to bring it right into this neighbourhood in the meantime. After all, we are kingdom people.

How easy it is to forget.

So setting my fingers to these keys right this moment is a cry for His help to remind me what that means (let's see what He does!)...

I woke up thinking of Psalm 143 today. The line where it says, "Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You" (v.8a). But trusting Him does not come naturally, and sometimes choosing to is harder than it is at other times. I got a text from a friend last night out of the blue recommending I read Colossians 3:1-17. I put it off til just this minute, because... well, I don't know why (you know the feeling)... but from the first few lines under my eyes right now sitting here in this coffee shop on this rainy afternoon, I see His purpose in pointing it out to me today (Seriously... I can't get over how awesome He is to speak in a pitch that I can hear!). 

"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ" (v. 1)-- Not "since you will be", but "since you have been"! New life with Christ is my present reality-- every day! Every morning it is the deepest truth I can wake up knowing. I belong to Christ's kingdom. This earth is not my home. Is it any wonder I feel so constantly homesick for another world? "...set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honour and power" (v.1) -- This is what it means to be kingdom people, isn't it? Balancing on the edge of the concept of His Kingdom being now and the not yet? Within us by the Holy Spirit when we accept that we are sinners in need of Christ's gift of grace, and yet still to come when He returns to wipe out the enemy completely, and make all things new, make all things as they should be-- on earth as it is in heaven. We must actively "set" our sights on the reality of that Kingdom coming, and the reality of the bit of it we carry within us already. "Let heaven fill your thoughts" (v.2)-- This makes the discipline of setting our sights on the reality of what it means to be His sound so easy. I find I have to fight hard to choose to hope this way. But I want to, I want to, I want to.

I want to choose to hope. I want to choose to let heaven fill my thoughts, to paint with rosy colour all the thoughts of grey which threaten to take up all the space in my head. And the beautiful thing is... I can. I have been raised to new life with Christ. It's already done. Complete. My ransom paid in full. I am already a citizen of this Kingdom which is coming. I carry a bit of it with me to sprinkle rosy-coloured hope wherever the dreary grey seems to fill the space.

That's what the church plant is about in Brunnsbo. And that's what He's about in me.

Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning indeed, Lord, for I am choosing to trust in You. And to hold out Your hope everywhere it's needed... so, everywhere.

Wanna join? Pray for the work of our church plant Brunnen in Brunnsbo. Pray for His Kingdom work in Sweden. Pray for His Kingdom work in Europe. Pray for His Kingdom work across the world. And pray that the worldwide church can be strengthened to remember what it means to be Kingdom people, so our lives can't help but reflect it...

New Excitement, Old Concepts...

Grace IS Amazing!

"But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love."
-- Galatians 5:5-6

I was reading Galatians this morning for the first time in a long while and it kind of feels brand new...

I'm back in Sweden and I've unpacked my "proper" bible for the first time since December 2010! I have been in a constant state of travel, it seems, since then, and so have just been using my mini travel one. I can't tell you how good it feels to sit down in the morning with a cup of coffee (which I'm sweetening with honey and cinnamon now after reading about the health benefits-- and it's yummy!) under the window of my friend's house where I'm staying for awhile in Sweden, and cracking open the weighty leather-bound book and gold-gilded pages (So... I'm a little bit easy to please and find my whole mood improves around beauty, even if that be a beautiful thing like a pretty bible!)

Since returning to Sweden and my beloved church plant Brunnen, I have been hooked up with a new accountability partner. She's new in town, a lovely Swedish girl with a heart for world missions and a living love for Jesus. We've only been able to manage one meeting so far, but we clicked over our downtown coffee date and have been working out way through 2 Corinthians and Galatians to meet and discuss this week. And you know how we're always told the bible is the LIVING Word of God? Goodness, I love that it's true...

I've been dwelling on the difference between living under the law and living under grace. After some heavy time spent in some spiritually abusive climates, this concept has become a confusing one to me. I found myself being catapulted from an atmosphere where the law was maybe treated too legalistically ("For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God's grace." -- Gal 5:4), to an atmosphere where freedom was being abused ("For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature." -- Gal 5:13) and those who were genuinely confused by what was happening, and wanting to lovingly ask for clarification and walk the narrow road together, were being told they were living by the law and being judgmental.

Paul instructs neither of those sides and yet both of those sides: "Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another." -- Gal 5:13-15)

The Spirit in me (and the moral of the story in Galatians) was saying that the law and grace could both be met by simply sharing each others' burdens-- being open to accountability and willing to listen to one anothers' hearts. We are human and we are hopelessly flawed, and yet God, knowing exactly what we would struggle with, chose to adopt us as His own and cover us with the righteousness of His Son ("But when the right time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent Him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law so that He could adopt us as His very own children. And because we are His children, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, 'Abba, Father.' Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir." -- Gal 4:4-7). How much more should we then accept one another, worts and all? But constantly reminding one another of our new status as His children, and reminding one another how then to live... Not as slaves (to the law), but as heirs (rejecting the ways of our old status pre-adoption).

"But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love."
-- Galatians 5:5-6

It struck me anew how we are clothed in righteousness. We are not righteous in ourselves (hence our tendency to abuse our freedom by sliding into acting out sinful desires), nor can we earn it (by religious rituals-- Paul talks about being circumcised or uncircumcised-- or living perfectly sinless lives), but as His adopted children, we are covered in His righteousness-- the pressure's off! We don't have to be a certain way, one way or the other! It is our inheritance. And though we live earthly lives now where it can be so hard to see and therefore so hard to live out, we must trust it's true by faith. And during this blink-of-an-eye existence on earth (which most of the time feels SO LONG), "what is important is faith expressing itself in love" (vv. 6)

So let's love on, love on, love on, and toe the balance of fulfilling the law by living in grace by faith...

Whew. Am I a total dork to get so excited about this old concept again? Grace IS truly amazing, and I desperately needed the hope of this reminder. How about you?

Ardently Loved

“The night is beautiful,
So the faces of my people.

The stars are beautiful,
So the eyes of my people.
Beautiful, also, is the sun.
Beautiful, also, are the souls of my people.”
-- Langston Hughes

This little poem struck me deeply when I came across it the other day. All I could hear was God's voice speaking about us. And the idea stopped me in my tracks for a moment. The tangible image of His love and adoration for us, for me.

It struck me that I had forgotten. I had forgotten how great the Father's love for me was. Yes, I know He sent His Son to give His very life as ransom to save mine if I only believe ["...For God so LOVED the world that He gave His only son that whoever will believe in Him will have eternal life." (John 3:16)] Didn't we just remember His coming with our Christmas celebrations? But somehow, the knowledge of it is so constant that I... forgot to remember the extraordinary truth behind it. And what it means to our lives in the here and now.

It was this simple bit of Langston Hughes poetry that grabbed the eyes of my heart and begged them to settle here for a moment and breathe it in...

It was because He's in love with the whole wide world; 

captivated by us like a Bridegroom with His bride. 

"As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you" (Isaiah 62:5). 

"How beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:1).

"...that He might present the Church to Himself a glorious bride, without spot or wrinkle or any other defect" (Ephesians 5:27).

"And I will take you as my bride for ever; truly, I will take you as my bride in righteousness and in right judging, in love and in mercies" (Hosea 2:19).

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

Webster's dictionary says that when the word "Bride" is used figuratively, it means, "an object ardently loved." Do you know how ardently loved you are? And if you did, how would it change how you believe, and how you act on what you believe? Somehow, the scriptures upon scriptures which told me so, had faded in my mind, in my experience, and I feel like my life has begun to reflect that forgetting... So, I've been asking God to teach me anew what it means to be ardently loved by the King of the Universe, and what He would have me do resting in that knowledge (because what wouldn't we do with this blink-if-an-eye-existence when we know we are ardently loved by the King overseeing it all?)... 

And suddenly, I am feeling more hope than I have in a while.

Maybe you too need to ask Him to show you again how He sees you, and how He would have you live in light of it? It's a brand new year, a fresh slate for His goodness and love to transform our hearts and lives. Let's seek His heart, running out to meet Him by our prayers....

"Behold! The Bridegroom is coming! Come out to meet Him!"
-- Matthew 25:6

 "In Him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in His holy name. Let Your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in You."
-- Psalm 33:21-22

...Putting it Back

This quote is resonating with me tonight. "There are people who take the heart out of you..."Oh yes, there are. As much as my romantic little heart just doesn't want to accept it; just wants to love on, love on, love on and watch His love pouring through it change the world all around it. I want so desperately to believe Him when He speaks of the way of obedience being the best way, when He teaches us to live with hearts wide open, always hoping, always trusting, always persevering in looking for the good in one another, in choosing to love one another even when we don't feel it, trusting that He will not waste a drop of that effort... I believe this. I choose to live like I believe this. But sometimes, oh, sometimes after a long haul it feels like the heart is drained right out of me... I know you know the feeling.

But... I also know that... somehow, in time (that all-important quality)... "there are people who put it back." And there may not be a moment where it all lines up and all is made well again, but somehow you find that your heart is just... back. And that God, throughout that all-important quality of time, has used ways too various to describe and too numerous to count, but usually requiring much of the tangible human hands around us, to restore to us our hearts which had been so drained away...

I'm working through some difficult experiences of heart-drainage which has been following me around for too long. I just haven't known where to start in dealing with it. Even now I don't. What do you do when the same people who at times have put the heart in you, are the same ones to take it right out? What about when it's a church experience? When the hurts happen in what should be the safest place? And you don't want to say aloud what hurts lest someone feels you're pointing fingers (surely every time you point a finger, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you, right?) and you set boundaries but people are offended by them (and the last thing you want to do is hurt anyone so that more hurt comes from the hurt you've already been carrying for years now, not knowing how to deal with it and feeling it growing more and more stale the longer you let it sit there locked away but never too far away...). The perfect entanglement. Feeling stuck to do anything but just go on, discouragement heaps on discouragement until one day, life has calmed down a little.And you find yourself taking deep breaths again, and there it is, just waiting to be dealt with and set aside once and for all. But the 'dealing with it' can feel more painful than the carrying it around.

Funny how again and again, it all comes back to this. So so so tired of that. But maybe that's what will fuel me to keep on working it through. I wish I could speak plainly without anybody taking offense. Instead, I form vague thoughts in the middle of the night, not expecting anyone to read them, and if they do, not expecting anyone to understand.

And all because I read somewhere that "There are people who take the heart out of you... and there are people who put it back."  I think we have a very real enemy. And I think he will take the heart out of us using any means possible. But I believe we have a victorious Lord, who will reach in and restore our hearts, using His children to reach out to us with His hands and feet. Even if the wounds those hands and feet of His children are reaching out to soothe were put there by the hands and feet of other children of His.

Doesn't it make you want to cry out "Maranatha!" Yes, it makes me desire His coming to restore all things... But it also gives me a passion to BE a glimmer of His Kingdom here and now. To "do church well". To truly be the kind of person who can be a part of a community of hopeful people needing His grace, which create a space where His Kingdom is exemplified here and now, for a world dying to see it.

Perhaps... in the end... that's exactly why I walked through my bad experience with Church to begin with. To make me as earnest as can be about being a Church which genuinely exists to be a glimmer of His Kingdom.


"I'm convinced that one of the reasons Jesus didn't confront the might of Rome or challenge the religious powers in Jerusalem was because He knew the story we long to hear is not one of military victory or political control. It's the story of a God who restores the lost and offers hope to a cynical world. The rumors of God are true. Jesus rose from the dead, and so did the hopes of all those who are looking for revolution..." -- 'Rumors of God' by Darren Whitehead & Jon Tyson

"...Love of God overflow, permeate all my soul...
Fill me up, God, fill me up..."
--Fill Me Up by The United Pursuit Band

"...On Fear, Confession, and Grace"

We all have them. Those moments when everything which keeps us going sort of fades into the background and we stand face-to-face with our own darkness, with the hollow places in us, with the gaps of disappointments and hurts and rejections and all the things which make us feel empty. An aching dissatisfaction. What can I do to just be happy? We ask ourselves, as we close our eyes against the memories which haunt us or the unmet desires which taunt us…

Some days, I am more thankful for God’s mercy than others. Most days, if I’m honest, I simply breeze past it without giving it any notice at all. Today, I stop, look at it, breathe it in deep, and am thankful.

I was looking through some photos from college the other night. First of all, one should never sit alone in the dark of a lonely apartment in the middle of the night feeling a world away from everyone she loves and adrift in a stage of life she didn’t see coming, and take that opportunity to look at old photos of times with friends. But, I did. And they documented some of the best years of my life, and some of the worst, and brought up the shiny faces of friends whom have stuck with me through the nitty-gritty. There are photos of dances and meals and parties and trips. Of goofing off in the college garden on sunny afternoons after classes, throwing “hen-dos” (kinda like a bachelorette party/bridal shower), playing games in the common room, chilling at the pub, and visiting the beach. There are Christmases and Easters and Bonfire Days (a holiday in the UK called Guy Folkes Day where there are always bonfires and fireworks on the 5^th of Nov). Church retreats, worship times, studying in groups, and just being silly with friends. It’s strange to look back at the photos and remember exactly the state my heart was in whenever they were taken. His mercy reigns across all of it—the common thread tying together the happiest of seasons, and the ones I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of alive.

I just read a wonderful book by Anne Jackson called “Permission to Speak Freely: Essays and Art on Fear, Confession, and Grace” and all the while I took in her story of becoming real, of learning to live vulnerably like His heart, I was thinking of my own. It happened at college in England, those 3 years surrounded by people from every nation in the world all coming together to live in one big old mansion and learn to love Him and one another while maneuvering the stress of attaining a degree (Goodness, I love Redcliffe College). Anne wrote of brokenness; of being real people needy of Him, with flesh and blood hearts which wound and break, caught up in the flood of this world of sin. She wrote of the common thread we all share as people: our neediness of Him, and how we try to fill it without Him in so many ways and how we ache and feel alone and hopeless, and how the only way out of these pits is through reaching out to one another, sharing our brokenness and sin, and giving one another His grace—acting as His hands and feet, living out His heart of mercy, carrying one another until it’s our turn to be carried…

I walked through a season in college where the darkness of my own brokenness threatened to swallow me up. I did a bold thing for someone whose self-esteem was in such tatters as mine was, and I fell in love. But, among other things, I felt the inexplicable sting of rejection, and believed lies God had never spoken over me, but it seemed everything else had from the time I was small. I felt unlovable. I honestly thought I had no worth, and this only reiterated it. And I punished myself for it. When everything hurt inside, I wanted the outside to hurt too—a residue of bad habits born back in teenage angst. My torture of choice then and whenever things would just get too overwhelming was, let’s say, disordered eating—Anorexic behaviours, Bulimic behaviours, sometimes cutting, sometimes just running until my lungs wouldn’t let me go on and I’d be sick til I could no longer stand. It was always “one-off” experiences throughout school and into my first year of college. Like everything would come to a head, and then I’d feel awful for coping as I had done, and He’d restore me, and it would be months before another few days of panic would come around. By the time I was in college, this merciful God had dealt with so much of this in me that it was a shock when it all came to a head again... I was hurting more than I had ever known before and feeling this overwhelming sense of worthlessness more over-powering than ever. But my sinful response to the hurt— to my neediness of His truth over the lies—was not something I felt I could share with anyone. Until that year. It was too sinful. It was senseless and shameful.  And it hurt too much to admit out-loud how worthless I felt. But in the deepest days of my long season of darkness, Jesus made Himself tangible in the people I was living with from every corner of the globe. He saw me struggle, and He let me struggle because I had much to learn in it, but He led me to people and encouraged me to open up and let them into my struggle, to let them hold me in the midst of it. To be real, to be vulnerable, and to experience what His love is meant to be. Grace-filled through His mercy.

(I cannot tell you how deeply thankful I am; how deeply this season has affected my entire life. It’s this which is, I think, my testimony. Something in me was brought to life in His love which had never really lived before. But it took crawling through a long dark night of the soul, and being forced to lay bare my shame to the people around me, feeling exposed and undignified, to end up at the sunrise…)

Confessions were tearful. More than that. “Tearful” makes it sound all graceful and elegant. Broken-hearted confessions are messier than that. Mine were usually loud. We’re talking sobbing and undignified. But every one of the women I timidly opened up to in those weeks, put an arm around me and prayed. I am convinced that is hugely what pulled me out of the darkness which would otherwise not seem to dissipate no matter how hard I tried. There were nights I would literally sleep on the floor of a friend’s room so she could see to it that I was okay, and keep me from self-destructing. And when the fog began to clear over this long, hard season… It was such friendships which led me into more healing and wholeness than I can ever remember having my whole life through, and it has literally changed my life. Friendships where I was real and vulnerable about my brokenness, and met with grace and love, and with vulnerability about their own unique brokenness. In the book, Anne Jackson calls that ‘the gift of going second’. When we are bold enough to share with someone our mess that we keep hidden and so are trapped by, we lend them a bit of courage to share theirs and also take a small grasp on freedom from it. Anne also comments on how we are always as sick as our secrets. How true it is! And how desperately I never want to get trapped in a secret darkness again. To that end, I sought some professional counseling in this season as well. My college had an excellent personal development program in place and caring counselors willing to show Jesus’ heart to the hurting. The thing is, when we’re living in our own secret darkness, we always think we’re the worst. The enemy shames us into staying there. Professional counselors are great because they’ve seen it all, and your mess is never so huge. Puts it in perspective. There’s really no shame in admitting we are broken…

I am convinced that God broke that destructive cycle of sin caused by terrible self-esteem in my life through my honest confessions and His touch of grace through people who showed me love in those times. People who gave me permission to speak freely. I trembled in fear of how I would be received (and still find it does not come most naturally, when the desire to self-protect is so strong! ... Writing this post has been hard!), and yet experienced again and again the bolstering embrace of love and grace and compassion, and admissions of “I’ve been there, in my own way,” a reminder that we are not alone. That humanity hurts (proof of our need for a Saviour? And this longing for wholeness and happiness, proof of a coming heaven?). And that we are only called to meet one another where we are at, and hold out His hope, His grace, His love, until that person can begin to breathe it in for themselves and stand up straight again. The next time, you might be the one needing them to wrap their grace-saved arms around you…

I believe in being real. I believe that being authentic about the hollow places is the only way we can allow Him to fill them. And that He uses the hands and feet of His church to do it, Christ’s body here on earth. Like the writer of this excellent book, having known my own brokenness I feel passionate about being the kind of hands and feet Christ would have making up His body. We often feel so alone when alone is the last thing we ever really are. Let’s endeavor to make that tangible to each other. Let’s be bold enough to lay ourselves bare, and let’s effect a change toward authenticity about our own humanity and neediness of Him in His Church by giving one another ‘the gift of going second’. May we live to show one another the face of God. May we sow His mercy, grace, and love, and may we reap His healing, His holiness, for this entire broken body we are a part of.
Everything is at stake.
And He is endless Hope…

Love on, love on, love on!
--Leah

*I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their [...] book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 

A Story of Boy Meets Girl

Soooo… you know the familiar story of boy meets girl? I have one of those I am privileged by God’s grace (and stand in delighted awe over still…) to tell :)


Once upon a time there was a girl who fell in love with Jesus and into a life of following Him. He walked with her down MANY a road from the time she was small, and as they walked, He loved her, and taught her to love like His heart. He began to teach her quite early the importance of trusting to Him everything in surrender, even her own story of boy-meets-girl.


Along the way there were stories of girl meets wrong boys. And there were some stories of girl meets really-great-but-not-right-boys and even girl meets boy-she-thinks-she-wishes-was-right-boy-- until she actually gets to meet REAL right boy... But in all these stories, He held the writing pen firmly in His hand and she watched it scrawl across the page from her position snug at His side next to where He carried all her hopes and dreams (and it was snug, because there were a great deal of them!).


This great and loving God who carried all her hopes and dreams continually asked her to trust Him, and to keep on surrendering her everything to Him. And as she did, He brought her all over His world, teaching her always about His love for it and the people in it, and her place in it and His love for her.


Then one day, girl met boy. It was September 10, 2009.


It was rather unlikely for most, but really rather appropriate for her that they met in writing, and communicated that way for the first 7 months that they knew one another. Boy was in London, girl was in Gothenburg. They spoke of everything from what annoyed them (girl couldn’t stand it when people didn’t put things back where they belonged, and boy hated it when people would double-dip in the salsa…), to their childhoods with their families (girl was the middle of 5 kids and grew up on a ranch in the countryside of a rural state; boy was an only child to a single mum and grew up in one of the biggest and most multi-cultural cities in the world), their church experiences (girl was walking through a difficult experience in serving in a church ministry after just finishing her degree in Theology; boy had been deeply involved in the same church family since he was small and was taking a class on preaching and giving his first sermons), their walks with God (they both loved Him and desired Him deeply, and would share with one another how they were seeking Him throughout the seasons), their walks with those around them (girl had roommate trouble to pray through! Boy had the responsibility of caring for his chronically-ill mother), their own personal brokenness and scars collected in living, and their ideas of the purpose for why they were put on this earth—to love and serve Christ and show His love to a world dying for it...


And the sovereign and love-story-writing God smiled in anticipation of all that He would teach girl and boy in the months to come, using them to teach one another facets of His love He had been saving up for them each to discover in good time...


When girl met boy, they simply recognized a similar heart each in the other, and they became friends; friends who began sharing everything with one another. Soon they began to feel odd if they missed a day of communicating. And so they prayerfully decided that they really needed to meet up and speak face-to-face. Girl was beginning to feel more for boy than they spoke about out-right and it frightened her… Boy felt more for girl too, and began to tell her frankly so…


So a date was set for a long-awaited walk through Hyde Park for the next time girl was travelling through London – April 28th, 2010. Girl picked out her favourite ‘casually cute’ outfit (button-down denim skirt, brown leather boots to the knees, blue polka-dot top, and grey cardie), and spent the afternoon beforehand having coffee with a friend and talking herself through her nerves! She really felt there was something different about this boy, something different about this date… She walked to King’s Cross station, held her breath, and waited to see if she could spot him first in the jumble of people coming and going…


She couldn’t have known when she first glimpsed them across the crowd how very special those gorgeous brown eyes would become to her… Or how she would come to want to hold forever that hand he placed in the small of her back as he led her along protectively.


Girl and Boy finally said goodnight near to midnight after wondering all over the city soaking in one another’s presence. It would be the first of many such wanders about London together, making somewhat awkward and stinted conversation after already pouring out their hearts in written words for endless hours in months past. Girl and Boy continued to go on such dates for the next 7 months, strengthening their friendship and praying for wisdom in what God would have them do. Girl was also praying for some courage to let herself be that oh-so-scary thing-- truly loved.


Boy started writing her poetry on July 1st, 2010. He was already in love with her, but he was patient and strong, giving her as much time and space as she needed, and yet proving to her again and again with his very character that he could be trusted, and that with Jesus, he would do everything he could to remain worthy of her trust, to love her well, so she would have no reason to fear. He held out his heart to her in open hands, and then waited…


And girl, though frightened of letting go, was falling for boy, and falling hard.

14 months after first meeting, boy came to visit girl in Sweden, and on November 12th, 2010 they decided to make it official. They stood on a ferry in the moonlight on the North Sea after just deciding that this was it, and they both prayed to a great, big, masterful God who had seen that very moment even all throughout the twenty-some years of their very separate lives full of very different experiences on different continents. They thanked Him, and asked for His guidance, which they had been seeking all those 14 months, to go with them still. Making this decision to be an official couple was a very serious matter because they had both been deliberate about waiting to date anyone exclusively until they were ready to be married. They knew that this would be the first step toward forever, or they wouldn’t be together. (Afterwards, they discovered that they had both been praying in that moment the same, but neither of them had known as they stood cuddled together in silence watching the moon reflect off the water :))

That night was the first time boy asked girl if he could hold her hand :)


Very soon after, in January 2011, girl was headed off to Uganda to have her heart broken by the beautiful little ones left desolate by poverty. Boy held her across the miles with his prayers and his love letters and the broken phone calls which he would spend much mula to make in the deep darkness of the African nights. By March, girl knew that she would have to come back there to adopt some of God’s little ones of Uganda when the time came. Much to her delight, boy put up no fight. And by the end of their separation, boy and girl felt strongly that they knew they wanted to build their lives with no one else… and it became only a matter of time.

In June 2011, boy came all the way over to America to meet girl’s family and to spend 2 weeks with them in her family home. For girl, this ‘test’ sealed the deal. Having her handsome British boy in her rural, midwestern, childhood home was surreal. And somehow, she loved him even more afterwards than she had before.


This boy meets girl story isn’t finished yet (and they hope it never will be!) but the testimony of God’s grace and gentle leading is already evident in it. Girl only dreamed that she would ever be treated so well, like so much precious treasure; like her Father in Heaven has always said she is, but she’s struggled to believe. And boy takes nothing about this gift for granted. And every day the boy and girl continue to examine their hearts and their relationship and learn what it means to love and be loved—through the good and the bad, the joys and the harsh realities, expectations, disappointments, beauty and pain—and to understand love’s place in His plan. He’s still carrying their many hopes and dreams, but now they press up close to Him together to watch what He’s doing and to learn love from the very Master of it…

It's about time I introduced you all to the man I love :)

“I love you from depths of my heart that have been untapped. That all the while in my life God decided through you he would show me a new kind of love, a new way of living for him. You’ve graced my life and it’s still so incomprehensible that I can call you mine. I don’t think I will ever come to terms with it. But I don’t really want to either, I much prefer standing in awe of God’s biggest blessing in my life next to saving me... giving me your heart to hold.” – Charles to Leah, February 2011