And I'm feeling hugely convicted.
But it's a joyful conviction!
I feel like He's patiently taking me back right to the basics of what it means to follow Jesus. What the Kingdom of God is all about. Faith. And I want a BIG one. And He's good for it...
I've been preparing to go back to ministry in Europe and thinking of all the people I have to leave behind AGAIN and the things I'll be missing out on here AGAIN... (like the birth of my new nephew. I visited his nursery the other day and I can just picture him in it :) The photo is me with my sister-in-law and baby nephew pre-debut-to-the-world!--->) ...and I've been worryingworryingworrying about how He's going to make this work when I haven't got enough mission support yet and just can't see how He'll work it out. And when I know so many people look at me and think, "What?!" I'll admit straight-up, mission is an alternative lifestyle. And it is a step of faith huger than the faith I have. But it's not fun being misunderstood-- it gives space for so many doubts and worries...
But still there's our HUGE GOD saying, "Test me and see if I won't give back a hundredfold whatever bit of your life you give to me..." (A paraphrase of Mal. 3:10). That verse is about tithing specifically, but tithing is just meant to be representative of giving whatever we have of ourselves for love of God. I don't have money, all I have is me. So that's what I'm giving... Francis Chan in his incredible book "Crazy Love", quoted that verse and then wrote, "This is the only place in the bible where God invites His people to test Him, to try to out-give Him. He knows it is impossible, that no one can out-give the One from whom all things come. God knows people will realize that 'we have given You only what comes from Your hand' (1 Chron. 29:14). Nothing has strengthened my faith more than seeing God bless what I give back to Him, what I surrender at His feet.... If you really want to experience God's supernatural provision, then do as He says. Test Him. Give more than you can manage, and see how He responds" (pg 110).
Woah. Such encouragement right now as I step out on a limb and give Him back more than I actually have... But the thing is, He doesn't have to "repay" anything we "give" Him. He is GOD, for goodness sake!! But it's His nature to be O-so-good to us, because of His crazy love. And that just makes me want to live out crazy love for Him too...
And this was really timely too-- "Noah spent 120 years building an ark and warning others of the impending judgment. Suppose the flood has never come. Noah would have been the biggest laughingstock on earth. Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers" (pg 114). WOW. WOW. WOW.
I'm just feeling so convicted by my lack of faith and fullness of worry. Hello, LOOK AT THE GOD WE SERVE!!! And the thing is, the service doesn't feel like work when it's all held up by love...
I was tossing and turning and talking to Him about this last night and giving it all over again, asking for more faith and more trust again, and then this morning I got a call letting me know of someone who wants to be a part of my support team and involved in the ministry He's calling me to. Before the call I was worried about being $190 away from meeting rent each month. Now I only need $40 more in monthly commitments to make rent!! Other things like groceries and public transport costs and insurance will come in too if rent does... surely they will. And it was only after I gave up the worry and told God I would step out and look a fool to the world for love of Him...
PRAISE THE LORD!
I know that once I get back there, there will be a whole new host of worries and fears to conquer and give to Him (like leading anything at church! Eeek!!). But I know He is big enough. And He just can't wait to take those and show me again Who He is and what it is to belong to Him :)
I know He wants the same for you.
Test Him and see...
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